Self-Love

I have come to believe that self-love is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to the process of healing. All other love grows from self-love. Without self-love, there is little motivation to heal, there is no impelling Will to Live.

Anita Moorjani (DYING TO BE ME), Louise Hay (YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE), Barbra White (MAGNIFICENT YOU) and others have written about the importance of self-love, especially in healing. It can feel like an impossible task if the idea is foreign to you. I'm speaking from my own experience. I read about it years ago, I included it in presentations and in advising healing clients. I could not stress to them enough the magnitude of the importance of self-love. I facilitated a journaling group for a few years and we would always have the 'homework' of performing at least one act of loving self-care per week (and reporting back to the group). I started talking about (and even journaling about) self-love 16 years ago. I understood from a logical/mental standpoint that self-love was essential to healing; yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought "It's okay. I can skip that part. It's not THAT important."  I could not have been more wrong!!!

I read Anita Moorjani's book the same week I watched Wayne Dyer on Oprah and I remember him saying something like "I am God. We all are. We DESERVE self-love." Those two events made the light bulb finally turn on - I really DO need to love myself if I expect to heal through this cancer experience. 

I started by opening my heart to everyone I knew and everyone I saw. I talked of love to myself in the mirror (I could never do this before). I gave suggestions of self-love in all my guided imagery sessions. Guided imagery, even when I'm the guide, is the best meditation I've ever experienced. I read Barbra White's MAGNIFICENT YOU and that really helped me to understand that it IS possible to love oneself. And, I experienced Self-Acceptance Healing with Barbra White. I had judged myself very harshly and believed that I did not deserve to be loved - by anyone, especially not by myself. I had no idea what love really feels like. LOVE is amazing and magical. LOVE is everyone and everything - and I am part of that. I AM love. We all are love. Wayne Dyer says there is a spark of the Divine in each of us.  We are at once totally Divine and totally human. The Divine part is who we REALLY are.  The human part is pretty much an illusion we have created to exist in the physical dimension.

Click here to experience a wonderful 3-minute experience in feeling loved.  It's a video called "A Love Letter to You From the Universe"  by Gisele Frederich.

Self-love is about allowing myself to be who I really am - the Universe currently expressing itself as a human being (I think Wayne Dyer said that). It's about accepting that I am also human with all my human eccentricities, imperfections and emotions - both negative and positive - with an attitude of compassion and love in place of judgment and criticism. It's about making sure that my needs are fulfilled, that my voice is heard, that I communicate my truth from my heart and that I AM LOVE in thought, word and action.  It's about "giving myself a break" from the stress of always striving for perfection. It's about believing that I am lovable just because I exist (thank you, Anita Moorjani). 

Self-love is about loving myself the way I would love my own child. I remember when my daughter, Erin, was little, and I had said something like, "I will always love you, no matter what."  She asked if I would still love her if she was mean to me.  I said, "yes".  Then, she asked if I would still love her if she was punching me and I again replied in the affirmative. Then she asked if I would still love her if she was stabbing me with a knife, trying to kill me.  After some thought, I realized that the answer was yes. That's what "no matter what" means.  I certainly wouldn't be happy or enjoy it, but I would still love her.  This is the kind of love I am giving to myself and it has totally changed who I am.

Here is a challenge for you: write in your journal (or just make a plan for) what you will do for yourself today or tomorrow that is an act of loving self-care, a demonstration of self-love. It's a great way to start on the path to totally unconditional self-love. With much love from my heart to yours ♥ Mellifluous Mega-Magnificent Maggie McDee ♥

FEAR - Poetry

 


Anita Moorjani believes that her cancer was caused by fear and I'm sure it played a part in mine as well.  However, I think that my tendency to hold on to hurt feelings and my apparent inability to forgive played an even bigger role than fear, until the point in my life when fear and unforgiveness were pretty evenly matched.  This was when I adopted Gloria Gaynor's song I WILL SURVIVE as my life-theme song.  Click here to enjoy it on youtube.  


I recently found a couple of poems I wrote about 11 years ago, when I was taking a creative writing class. This was soon after my first stage IV diagnosis resulting from a positive biopsy from a rather painful open-lung surgery.  Fear had always been a big part of my life and, at this time, it became a VERY big part of my life. 

I think it's ironic that fear can be a contributing factor to the onset of can-can, yet it is the most common emotion experienced by can-can patients as they anticipate test results, go to medical appointments, receive treatments, experience treatment side-effects, contemplate the ever-possible metastasis and, of course, death. Here are my poems...

Cycle of Terror

Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
Crouched in a corner, my arteries roar.
He opens the door. I recognize him.

My heart propels needles out to my skin.
He taunts me with “Cancer will win this war!”
Tremendous terror taunts and taunts again.

I stand naked and cold in front of him.
He axes my breast to even the score.
I open the door and let him come in.

He rocks me in bed, exhausting my vim.
He invades my sleep. A sob is my snore.
Primeval terror rocks and rocks again.

He steals my present moments, chastising
Me for not finding joy behind the door.
I slam-close the door and, still, he comes in.

I shriek, I shout, I pray and I shove him
Outside. Again, I am slamming the door.
Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
I open the door and recognize him.


Here's the other one....


Fear – a shadowy visitor - knocks on my door

I hear him knocking
I refuse to open the door
He knocks again
And again
And again

I open the door and recognize him
I slam the door in his face
Hoping he will go away
Pretending not to know he’s there
He knocks again
And again
And again

I let him in
I stand naked and cold in front of him
He laughs and says “this could get a lot worse”
I send him on his way and slam the door behind him
He knocks again
And again
And again

He waits for me to close my eyes
Stays with me through sunless days
Lays awake with me at night
Steals away my present moments
Blinds me to a future of infinite possibilities
I let him in again and again

I hear another knocking at the door
My dark companion blocks my path
Doesn’t want to share me
Feeds on my energy
The voice behind the door says
“I am always with you”
I’ve heard this voice before
I allow the light of love to come in
My arms reach out
I inhale the promise of eternal love
It fills me with strength, hope and dreams

Questioning My Spiritual Beliefs

The science of Quantum Physics is now telling us that everything in the Universe is made of energy and that we are part of all that is.  We are at-one with EVERYTHING in the Universe. We are each cells in the larger body of "The One", "I AM That","God", "Divinity", the "Universe", whatever you wish to call it.  When we choose to come into the physical body (incarnate), we take on an ego that allows us to see ourselves and others as separate individuals.  We feel separate from one another as well as separate from God; sometimes, even separate from ourselves.  Buddhists, and others, tell us that the whole physical world is just an illusion and that only the world (dimension) of Spirit is real...that time exists in the physical just so we can think about it in a linear fashion while we are on Earth.  
Please remember what I always say - take with you what feels right to you-IN YOUR HEART-and leave the rest right here. Click the underlined text  to listen to Joan Baez sing  The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down  on Youtube.  Around 1:20, she sings "take what you need and leave the rest".  I just pulled out that song because of that one half-line, but if you remember Joan Baez, you can enjoy her live performance by clicking there.

Shakespeare said something like, "The whole world is a play/stage and everybody plays a part."  My Esoteric Healing instructor said, "You are the director, writer and star of your own play." 

If you'd rather listen to "The Whole World is a Stage and Everybody Plays a Part" by the Fantastic Four (from Detroit - MoTown - the city I was born in).  This was a minor distraction. I hope you took a quick break and enjoyed some oldies music.  I believe that there is a song for EVERYTHING.  It's great to always have a song in my heart (and a humming in my throat) - it just feels good - not like having an annoying song STUCK in my head.  Or, I find a song I love to replace the one that is stuck in my head.

What if there is really no such thing as time and that everything - every minute of every lifetime - is happening all at once in the world of spirit?  What if making a change today has an effect on every part of "the oneness" across all time lines, past and future and possible future?  These are big questions that merit their own posts.

At some point in our lives, we might begin to ask questions like, "Is there more to me than this body, mind, emotions (personality), my family, house, career, and possessions? How am I nourishing my spirit? Is there room to grow spiritually? Why am I here? Is there a purpose to my life?  What am I missing in life?" and more.  I think this happens when our ego begins to long for that "oneness feeling" that it has only "veiled" memories of.  This could be the time of the mid-life crisis, when people start to do things that are "out of character" for them (like buying the Harley).  Really, it can happen at nearly any age, not necessarily middle-age.  

I saw this in myself as a restlessness, always questioning the religious and philosophical "truths" I was taught in Catholic school, especially the teachings about God and Love. If God IS LOVE, then why would God EVER judge anyone?  Let alone, send anyone to eternal punishment/damnation/hell/suffering for making a single HUMAN mistake and not confessing it before physical death?.  Is God not the ultimate? Is God not the perfection of love itself?  Isn't perfect love totally unconditional?  My brain could not comprehend judgment and damnation being a part of unconditional love.  When I read the book CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD BOOK I by Neale Donald Walsch, shortly before my first cancer diagnosis in '97, it felt right to me and presented an idea of God that was more like my impression of what a god-like being should be, rather than the vengeful, fear-invoking God I had learned about as a child, based on the one teaching I DID believe: that God is love.

This CHANGE I'm talking about can have various catalysts, like simply feeling old, a serious illness, death of a beloved one, end of a relationship, marriage, sudden change or end of a career, a significant change in income, a trauma of any kind, or a near death experience - any type of significant life event.  Mine was my first cancer diagnosis in '97. I felt like it had pulled the rug out from under me/my life and knocked me down HARD and I had to pick myself up  and get back into life.  I have often referred to this event as like 'being hit over the head with a 2x4'. 

When people start to question their spiritual beliefs, to modify their philosophy of life, to dramatically change their priorities, they may even reject religion or change religions.  They may develop a new belief that, since we are a part of God - the Divine spark that resides within us, we do not need an outside source to teach us - we can go inside to know who we really are and to be ourselves...to BE who we really, truly are, not who we think others want or expect us to be. We can receive guidance from our "Divine Spark" by first asking for it, then by paying attention to our feelings and listening to the whispers of our spirit working through people, animals, books, signs, movies, etc. We are driven to want more information, a closer union with and a better understanding of the Divinity within. The spirit/soul and the personality long for union. There is a longing to merge into what is known in the Ancient Wisdom as a soul-infused personality.  

I ask and allow my 'Divine self' to think through my mind, speak through my words and act through my body. I wish to be the outward expression of the Love/God/Divine that lives within me, that animates my personality.  I ask my Divine Spark/Self to focus more intently on what's going on in my human/physical life. 

Any time I feel uncomfortable, when I remember to, I ask my Divine Self to help me out (S.O.S.) and, like yesterday, during my guided imagery presentation at the Alpena Friends Together Cancer Conference, I found myself saying things that I had not planned to talk about.  I told them about my imagery work with the energy of Divine Healing Love (click to see an example) and that I think my job or purpose is to demonstrate by my example, that someone can have cancer and still live a (relatively) normal, happy life. 

I added an experimental 'hit counter' to this blog on the right side of the screen.  We'll see if it works.  I'm not even sure what it's counting. :)

This is not the topic I was intending to write about, but I think it may be food for thought.  If you have questions or comments, click on the Comment button below, or send me an email at maggiehealing@gmail.com.

Namaste' & blessings and love....

Anita Moorjani on Self-Love

I already introduced the topic "self-love" in July of this year.  Click here to open it in a new window.  

Excerpt about SELF-LOVE from Anita Moorjani's book ~ DYING TO BE ME ~ Pages 138-139.

"It's all very well for me to talk about healing after I've experienced it, or for me to tell you to just trust and let go, letting the flow of life take over; but when you're going through a really low period, it's difficult to do – or even to know where to begin. However, I think the answer is simpler than it seems, and it's one of the best kept secrets of our time: the importance of SELF-LOVE. You may frown or cringe at the thought, but I can't stress enough how important it is to cultivate a deep love affair with yourself.

I don't recall EVER being encouraged to cherish myself – in fact, it would never even have occurred to me to do so. It is commonly thought of as being selfish. But my NDE allowed me to realize that this was the key to my healing.

In the tapestry of life, we're all connected. Each one of us is a gift to those around us, helping each other be who we are, weaving a perfect picture together. When I was in the NDE state, it all became so clear to me because I understood that to BE ME is to BE LOVE. This is the lesson that saved my life.

Many of us still believe that we have to work at being loving, but that means living in duality, because there's a giver and a receiver. Realizing that we ARE love transcends this. It means understanding that there's no separation between you and me, and if I'm aware that I am love, then I know that you are, too. If I care for myself, then I automatically feel the same, for you!"

FEAR

"Fear blocks you from your greatness and is also the doorway to it."  

                                                        by Barbara Brennan, HANDS OF LIGHT

"Often, the fear that accompanies a negative diagnosis is far more debilitating than the illness itself. Work on overcoming the fear first, and half the battle is already won! Do what it takes to move your mind away from fear, by doing what you love, and finding joy in your life again. Don't make your life about the illness. Focus on living, laughing and loving, regardless of your state of health, and regardless of what healing modalities you choose to follow on your journey to regaining your health...A steady diet of joy and laughter each and every day is far more important than anything you eat!...Transform your world by transforming your internal state. Start by learning to let go of negative self judgment, and replace it with positive and loving thoughts about yourself. Be kind to yourself, and watch your external world change...what I'm talking about is more like a complete shift in the way we view illness, our physical bodies, and our physical existence here. It’s about no longer viewing the illness as some external event that just happens to you, or is attacking you. It’s about no longer seeing yourself as the victim here. It’s recognizing that your internal state is the true you, not your physical body. It's recognizing that your body is communicating with you at all times, even through presenting an illness, and it's about working TOGETHER with your body to get to the root of what it is trying to communicate, and becoming aware of what your spirit/soul really needs right now, in order to heal your body."                 Anita Moorjani

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be. You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson on FEAR...
Our Deepest Fear
by: Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love

I wrote this in 2008...

In the book WHO MOVED MY CHEESE?, Spencer Johnson tells us to ask ourselves a question, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”  I have a friend who went through with a divorce only after she started asking herself that question.  How do we deal with fear?  Acknowledge it, be willing to face it, and move through it. Refuse to let it control your life. I've heard it said that "Courage means being afraid but doing it anyway".  I allowed fear to keep me in a corporate job where I wasn’t happy for at least 15 years.  I was afraid of starting over again, afraid of making less money, and afraid of losing my identity, believing the what I did somehow defined who I was.  Nothing short of cancer would have inspired me to leave that job.  I finally quit because I came to believe that my life depended on it.  I decided to choose life over money and my corporate identity.

Before I had cancer myself, I was very fearful of people who had cancer.  Perhaps it was because I saw in them a reflection of my mortal self and that made me uncomfortable. Looking at someone with cancer, I just presumed that they were dying and I didn’t want to be reminded that I will also die one day. Since I lived with a high degree of anxiety and fear most of my life, finding out I had cancer showed me that I could go to an even more intense degree of anxiety and fear. I began to see how much I feared in the medical world - doctor visits, medical tests, test results, treatments, side effects and, of course, death!  Fear is the GREAT IMMOBILIZER.  It keeps me from being who I really am.  It tells me to "play it safe".  It can overwhelm me if I let it. 

In the book THE POWER OF NOW, Eckhart Tolle says “Ultimately, all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation."

Lately, I've been wanting to tell you how I've learned to deal with fear.  I usually employ a distraction technique, but am learning now that loving my emotions - all of them - is the best way to experience them and let them go. A friend, Raffaella Russignaga, recently wrote an article about fear that makes a lot of sense to me - love is the only emotion we feel and fear is just a lower vibration of love. She gave me permission to include it here.

What is Fear? 

Written by Raffaella Russignaga

The feeling of fear seems to be a topic that comes up often in my conversations lately.So, let's talk about it for what it really is. Fear is a feeling. It´s only a feeling… fear on its own cannot do anything at all. A feeling is only an indication. What does it indicate? A feeling indicates to you what you think and how accurate that thought is.

If you are feeling fear it´s because you believe a thought that is not true to who you really are. Who you really are does not agree on the thought you are entertaining. So know that, just know that you believe a thought that your inner being does not believe. That is all. So no big drama about the feeling. It's only an indication.

Fear is LOVE being expressed through your perception… can you grasp that? It's love being expressed through a different color, so to speak. The only feeling you can feel is LOVE, to the degree of your beliefs and thoughts that love is diminished or expanded depending on how much focused loving attention you are giving to yourself.

It´s like a bright white light… and you control the degree of light. If you dim the light slightly you may perceive love at a lower degree and call it “boredom”, if you dim it even more, you may experience love and call it “anxiety” and so on. But that is the point… you are always feeling love, because you are love and experiencing different degrees of allowing yourself to feel it or not.

So how do you allow yourself to feel as much love as possible? Know that FEAR is love disguised. If you can grasp this, know that you are feeling love disguised. If you feel fear you can even go as far as renaming it within you “I am feeling love disguised”… the feeling of fear is love disguised that is all. So when you feel love what do you do? You feel it, you bask in it, you dive in it, you expand it, you smile in it, you hug yourself inside out. YOU FEEL LOVE.

So why don´t you feel love disguised as fear? Why don´t we feel that feeling? Why do we always try to avoid it? Because if you understand that what you feel, YOU ARE IT in the now, and trying to avoid it, basically implies you want to separate yourself from yourself.

With fear comes great understanding, you now have awareness that you have found a belief that is limiting the degree of light that you are allowing, you have simply found out that you have dimmed the light down to the point of darkness. You have temporarily switched off the light. Realize that. Just know that. You have temporarily switched off the light.

So sit down, and now from this perspective, what do you do, you may ask? Nothing. You simply feel that degree of “love” fear is a degree of love. Feel that! Ok, so it´s not full blast love, but it is love disguised. So feel it anyway. Do you have a choice? You would say, yes I do, I can go out and make something happen so I don´t have to feel this fear… but that is beside the point. You still keep the light dimmed down to darkness because you haven´t shifted the degree of light… so you find yourself trapped in this DOING world for GOD knows how long… you keep having to do something to avoid feeling YOURSELF. You keep the separation active.

BE with yourself even when feeling fear. You are unconditional love, so you do have the ability to love yourself even when in fear. The more “time” you dedicate to simply acknowledging the feeling of FEAR (love disguised) without telling the same old story that comes with it, put the story aside for awhile, while you give yourself attention. FEEL the feeling, you are feeling love (disguised as fear) you are feeling a certain degree of love; you are feeling the dimmed light feeling, that is all!!!

You will realize just by feeling fear, that you will naturally and automatically STOP believing the story. You don´t change beliefs, you simply stop believing in them. When you finally let go, and surrender and finally feel this feeling YOU CALL fear, but in actual fact it´s always love disguised. When you finally feel it, you feel the shift. Then you go back to your story and now the grip is starting to loosen up. You don´t believe your story ANYMORE.

Try it, don´t believe me. Feeling love or feeling any degree of love is not up for conversation, it´s all about you FEELING. Feel any degree of love, it doesn't matter how you want to call it, just know that the light never goes out COMPLETELY!

Chemo Decision

CHEMO - to do it or not to do it?  Anita Moorjani did it, even though she knew she was healed.  I don't think Wayne Dyer did it, but he KNOWS he is healed.  When I was first diagnosed 1997, I did chemo because I was just plain scared and because my family members said they wanted me to do it because if I died without doing it, then I wouldn't have done ALL I COULD DO to 'fight' the cancer.  

Although I thought it was important to believe that chemo would actually help me, I just couldn't convince myself because it made no sense to me.  I was voluntarily putting poison into my body, which pretty much destroys the immune system, and the immune system is the best tool (natural healing) to get rid of the disease, so I never actually did believe it.  After I was done with chemo, I decided that I would NEVER do it again - because of the poison factor and because I never wanted to feel that sick again.

Over time, with some degrees of healing, I decided that the only circumstances under which I would do chemo would be if it would make me feel better.  Before that time, I had never heard of it helping anyone to feel better. Soon after that decision, I talked with 2 different people who told me that chemo had helped them to feel better.  I was shocked!  So, then I decided that if I couldn't breathe and someone told me chemo would help, then I would do it.  Breathing is the most essential function of this physical body.  

So, guess what happened?  I had a tumor in one of my bronchial tubes that totally blocked off one of the lobes in my lung.  I was coughing and short of breath and had surgery that removed only part of the tumor from the inside of my bronchial tube - a chunk of it was still outside of my bronchial tube.  Although there were other tumors in my body that were 'stable', that one kept growing and I agreed to do chemo, but told the doctor that my quality of life was very important and that I didn't want to be as sick as I had been in '97 because I had an extremely poor  quality of life at that time.  And, I have no desire to live that way again - ever.  

In 97-98, I spent all my time in a reclining position - on the couch mostly.  My white blood cell count was dangerously low, which made me susceptible to infections (potentially lethal), and I was advised against going out in public.  I also had several chemo treatments cancelled/postponed because of the low blood count (psychologically & emotionally difficult).  I had no energy, no appetite and lots of nausea - and no fun - for about 6-7 months.  

I have been on some form of chemo now for 15 months.  Oncologist strategy - as long as a treatment seems to be working (no new tumors, no growth of existing tumors), just keep doing it.  If the disease progresses, change the treatment.  I have been able to relax and meditate during treatments, visualizing the chemo as healing energy zapping tumors.  

So far, my quality of life has not suffered too much due to various drugs used to counteract the side effects.  Baldness is not painful and chemo brain and other minor side effects can be tolerated. How can you tell if memory problems are due to age, lack of estrogen or chemo? I still practice and teach yoga and participate in as many social activities as I want.  I am enJOYing my life now more than I ever have and am grateful for every day I wake up in the morning.  I also practice healing visualizations and lead 2 guided imagery groups, which feeds my spirit in a way that feels really good to me.  It's hard to find clipart on this subject.

De-Frazzle: Journaling

The unexamined life is not worth living...Socrates

The best way I know of to examine one’s life is to write in a journal. Journaling has been, and continues to be, of tremendous help to me on my healing journey.  It allows me to remove the clutter in my thoughts and feelings – to get them out of my brain and onto paper - where I may be able to observe them from a different perspective.  It helps me to see myself and my life more clearly. It facilitates communication with my Higher Self.  It helps me to get the answers to my questions about myself.  It is my key to self-discovery and self-knowing. My journal is my sounding board, my friend and confidant, my life preserver, and my healing room. This examination of my thoughts and feelings increases my awareness of unhealthy thinking patterns and erroneous beliefs, so I can then choose to change them. 

CONFIDENTIALITY: If you wish to start journaling, I suggest you buy a new journal that appeals to you and call it your healing journal.  If you are concerned about anyone else reading your journal, then find a way to keep it well-hidden.  If you don’t want others reading it after you have passed on, then burn it when you’re finished with it or make it a stipulation in your will that you want your journal burned; or, make sure a trusted friend will take care of it for you.  If you prefer to journal on your computer and are concerned about others reading it, then password-protect your document.  In any case, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you have no concern about others reading what you write – you must be totally comfortable writing anything you wish in your private healing journal. 

APPROACHES: There are many possible approaches to journaling, so I will suggest a couple that I like to use.  I start by getting relaxed and sitting in a comfortable position, breathing deeply.  Being consciously aware of each breath, I close my eyes and imagine that I am in a place of beauty and safety.  Then, I set my intention to be in contact with my Higher Self (AKA inner teacher, soul, spirit, guide, angel, etc.) asking that my Higher Self reveal herself through my writing.  If this is not comfortable for you, just sit down and start writing whatever is in your mind.

MAKE A LIST.  This is simply what it is.  Make a list of whatever comes into your mind, like "advantages of chemo" or "things I love about myself..."  or "things that make me smile" or "What I've accomplished in my life"  or "things that made me smile today" or "things I want to remember about this season" or "what I want to accomplish in my life" or "people that I love", etc. The list of things that you can write lists about is endless.  One that feels particularly good is to make a list of five things, people, events, etc. in your life that you are grateful for - and write this list at the end of each day.  Think of new items to add from the day's events.  Make sure at least two items are things about YOU that you are grateful for.  The expression of gratitude on a regular basis can make a big, positive difference in one's outlook on life.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS writing can help you to move past your conscious thinking mind.  This is done by writing, without stopping, for at least 20 minutes at a time.  Just write whatever words are in your mind, without stopping to compose before writing, without stopping to make corrections, or for any reason.  Even if you have to write “I can’t think of anything to write,” don’t let the pen stop writing. Try this daily for a couple of weeks and see what happens.  This is a way of "priming the well", getting your writing "muscles" in shape.  It's also a way to lighten what feels like a burden of heavy thoughts weighing you down, especially those pesky repetitive thoughts. If you find yourself repeating yourself, then ask for some new, more productive or positive thoughts you can use to replace the old, negative thoughts.  

Another method is to...
WRITE A QUESTION, and then pause for a moment to listen for the answer, writing down whatever comes into your mind.  Or, better yet, after writing the question, move the pen into your non-dominant hand, then listen for the answer (you won't hear an actual voice) and write down whatever comes into your mind, without analyzing it.  This switches which side of your brain you're thinking with. Then, read it to see if it makes sense to you.  A question can be on any subject, like "why do I feel so exhausted today?" or "What makes me feel better when I'm feeling down?" or "Why did I react that way to...?"  WHY seems to be the most frequent question I ask myself, which I'm sure started when I was a small child.

WRITE A STORY.  Try this - write the story that describes the most joyful moment of your life. Use your senses to include every detail you can remember – the setting, the weather, what you were wearing, the people who were present, sounds, words, fragrance or taste, the emotions you experienced. Now, close your eyes and relax, replaying every detail of that memory in your mind. Re-live those joyful feelings as if it were happening again, right now. ENJOY the memory. Don’t allow your brain to insert any negative thoughts that might spoil your enjoyment.  Stay focused on the joy as long as you wish. Then, the next time you’re feeling down, bring yourself back to that joyful memory and repeat this exercise to see if it will lift your mood.


If your story has an unhappy ending, as the writer, you can change that. Imagine a different, perfect ending - one that helps you to FEEL BETTER.  It's not like you're writing for an audience that is going to judge the accuracy of what you write.  Or, write a whole new story that's totally fictional that just MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.  Or, write the story of what you and your life will be like when you are totally healed.  Embellish it with as many details as you can IMAGINE - use all your senses to give your story more "life". FEEL GOOD about your story.

Clustering – Begin by choosing a word you want to write about.  Write it in the center of the page, then write down every word that comes to mind.  Write down words even if they don’t make sense and even words that seem odd or silly.  You can work in a circular fashion.  Keep concentrating on doing this and you’ll feel a shift in your consciousness as words just occur to you.  Write them down quickly before the judge censors them.  Notice how one word leads to another. Sometimes, your mind will jump to a more concrete word or an unexpected one.  Draw lines from one word to another as your thought moves from one to the other.  Do the clustering in whatever way works for you.  Later, you can use Stream of Consciousness writing from the ideas or feelings that emerge from the cluster and see what new thoughts arise.  Here is a typed example, for ease of reading.  I started with the word NOW and 'clustered' around it.

I often write prayers and affirmations in my journal. I believe that writing things down makes them more real, more concrete, more achievable, more believable.  My favorite affirmation now is I AM PEACEFUL. I AM JOYFUL. I AM VERY STRONG AND HEALTHY. 

Sources: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Stirring the Waters by Janell Moon
Journaling for Joy by Joyce Chapman

Go Back to De-Frazzle Page  

Memory Issues

A normal Neuron "working" in the brain-not sure I have ANY of these...

Masculine version of me at my old job

Between my extreme estrogen-deficiency and gallons of chemo pumped through my body over the years, not to mention 2 "radio-surgeries" on my brain, my memory just isn't what it used to be.  Since I once earned my living as a project manager, my memory was my most valuable tool for my work.  So, after my first go-round with chemo in 1997, I realized that that job was no longer right for me.  This really was a good thing because that job had been a source of a whole LOT of stress for many years.  Over time, I have learned to accept my slightly-faulty memory. I have become accustomed to things like:

• Walking into a room and not remembering why
• Not being able to find things that I was SURE I would remember when I put them in their place
• Not remembering phone numbers - my phones do that for me now
• Forgetting what show is on TV during a commercial
• Occasionally wondering where I'm going when driving
• Not remembering conversations
• Not remembering where my calendar and my to-do list are
• Finding the to-do list and not remembering what I was going to write on it
• Not being able to find a simple word (searching, searching, not finding) and allowing others to help me finish sentences.  One of my yoga students is especially good at that, which often comes in handy during class.  I often find myself saying, while pointing, "that thing". 
• Retrieving the wrong words - like saying soccer when I meant to say scrabble.  That substitution made sense to me because they both have the letters S and C and both are games, so they must be stored near one another in my brain (?)
• Not remembering how a movie ends - that way, I can watch it multiple times and enjoy it every time.  The same is true for jokes - I can enjoy them again and again (if someone else tells them).

I have found a solution to the first item listed above.  I make up a song and sing it out loud, for example, "going to get the toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, going to get the toilet paper and put it where it goes."   I keep singing the song until I've accomplished my mission.  It works well for me, when I can remember to make up a song.  I told my 86-year-old mom about this and she says it works well for her, too.

I have a humorous example of a conversation I totally forgot.  Here is a photo from inside of our gazebo - with Lake Huron in the background.  My husband and I were celebrating our gazebo's grand opening in May.  A friend noticed that there's a tiny hole in his sock - and, my socks don't match - oh no!

We had visitors last month - sister, brother & sister-in-law - so, we spent some quality time together in the gazebo.  A bald eagle flew directly over our heads while we were all watching it, which was TOTALLY COOL.  Anyway, I was talking about how I had been shortening the name of our gazebo to things like "gizbo" or "G-bo" when somebody said, "How about G-spot?" and we all laughed heartily.  A week or so later, my brother called me and started the conversation with, "So, how are things in your G-spot?" Having totally forgotten the earlier conversation, I sat in stunned silence, wondering why my brother would say such a thing to me. Then, he reminded me about the earlier conversation, and we laughed. I think we were both blushing. Now, I always call it the g-spot.  Going out there in a few minutes to meditate.  It's a beautiful day here in MI.


Anyone else have memory issues and/or solutions?  Or, an amusing story about memory-malfunctions?


Joy and peace to you,
Maggie McDee

Beliefs-ADDENDUM

This is part 5 of a series of posts on Beliefs.  It would be helpful to read the first 4 before reading this one.  You can click on the links here...

Beliefs-1           Beliefs-2            Beliefs-3          Beliefs-4

This morning, I was talking with a dear friend and she said that reading my Beliefs posts was making her feel sad. She didn't see the joy in my posts that she often sees in me now.  Remembering the unhealthy beliefs that negatively influenced my thinking, feeling and actions made me feel a bit sad, too.  It almost looks as if my life was totally without joy when I know I had experienced great amounts of joy with my daughter, husband, siblings and close friends in the years before my first cancer diagnosis.  I only just started to look deeply inside during that time of my life.  

I could see that I had some serious healing to do and as I had learned from books and participation in various energy healing classes, I came to believe that JOY is ESSENTIAL to HEALING.  Joy is the energy that powers the immune system and the immune system is the best cancer eradicator there is.  Energetically, both the breast and the immune system are linked to the Heart Center (chakra).  

While reading Lawrence LeShan's book CANCER AS A TURNING POINT, I tried to make a list of all the things that brought me joy and it seemed to be a relatively short list.  It included things like being in nature, and spending time with my husband, daughter and other loved ones.  I wanted some items that were just me, by myself, where the joy came from within - like, what made me feel passionate and excited? What made me want to jump out of bed in the morning to quickly begin the day?  What inspired me to be creative?  What could I do that felt creative?  WHY DID I WANT TO LIVE?  It was disturbing to me that I could not readily answer these questions.  That WAS sad.  I asked myself, "How can I expect to HEAL if I can't muster up some joy and LOTS OF IT?" 


Anita Moorjani wrote on Facebook "Make your life choices out of joy and passion, rather than out of a fear of the consequences! We knew how to live in pure joy when we were born but we spend our lives forgetting. ...There are an alarming number of people living in fear [instead of living in joy]... Learn to get in touch with your heart and do what brings you joy ... and encourage everyone you love to do the same!"  

I totally agree with that.  The same is true about making decisions.  If I make a decision out of fear, chances are pretty good that it will NOT bring me joy, whereas decisions made out of love have great potential to reap joy - and peace of mind. 


So, in addition to working to replace negative beliefs with positive ones (started with first diagnosis in '97), I was on a mission to experience JOY (started with first Stage IV diagnosis in 2001) every day.  I like to have a MISSION, a sense of purpose, a goal to focus on.  It was time to start applying what I'd been learning in classes about energetic healing.  I believe that my dis-ease began in my energy field (mental, emotional and spiritual parts of me) and that my physical body is merely the outward manifestation of what is going on in the other bodies - like a barometer.  And, my body was speaking very loudly to me.  In DYING TO BE ME, Anita Moorjani states, "all disease first begins in the energy field, and then manifests in the body."  I know that this has been true for me.

What I already wrote about my beliefs reflects where I was 15 YEARS AGO.  I am a very different person today and grateful that I have learned so much about healing and have become who I am today - one who is always learning and growing from life experience.  Life experience is our very best teacher and I am a perennial student.


Any thoughts on this?  Anyone else have a similar (or different) experience?  Wishing you Peace & Joy,

Maggie McDee (AKA Magnolia)

Self-love & Worthiness

I AM TOO WORTHY!!!!  They say that love makes the world go round, that love can heal all wounds, that love is God/God is love, the fabric of the Universe, etc. etc.  I have recently started to believe that Love is EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in the entire Universe.  LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.  LOVE IS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS! Anita Moorjani says, "Each of us, at our core, already IS pure and unconditional love....It has no agenda...no expectations..."

Anita Moorjani, author of DYING TO BE ME, recently posted this on Facebook...."I spent a lifetime trying to live up to other people's unrealistic standards of how I "should" be - and all it did was cause me cancer, because I constantly believed I wasn't good enough! In truth, all we have to do is be OURSELVES!" 




I have supported this idea of self-love for many years and even talked about it in my classes, but in the back of my mind, saying "I don't have to do that for me- it's not important". After 15 years of working on my own healing while dealing with cancer, I think I'm finally STARTING to understand this concept and how essential to life and healing it is. Self-love is not about being egotistical or selfish - it's about basic survival. It's the foundation upon which love for others and true joy/happiness are built. It's the foundation of LIFE. And, I think it results in elevating us to feeling more worthy. " I am not worthy" has been a toxic core belief for me since I was very young and I am still actively working to change it. I talk to my higher self in meditation, asking it to express itself through my thoughts, words and actions. When this happens, I realize that my higher self (who I really am) is much greater, more 'magnificent', more powerful, more divine than I ever imagined. Even from a logical point of view, how could I NOT love that aspect of myself?? This blogging experience is helping me to discover more deeply who I am. There are many different ways of doing this. Having a Near-Death-Experience is only one of them - no doubt, the quickest one - but still one of many. 


In the book DYING TO BE ME, Anita Moorjani states, "In my culture, I was taught to put others first and myself last or not at all.  I wasn't taught to love myself or to value who and what I am. As a consequence, I had very little to offer others.  Only when we fill our own cup with regard for ourselves, will we have any to give away.  Only when we love ourselves unconditionally, accepting ourselves as the magnificent creatures we are with great respect and compassion, can we ever hope to offer the same to anyone else.  Cherishing the self comes first, and caring for others is the inevitable outcome...Our world suffers from too little self-love and too much judgment, insecurity, fear, and mistrust.  If we all cared about ourselves more, most of these ills would disappear."

I was also taught to put others first and myself last or not at all.  Consequently, my cup was never more than half-full.  I invested a good deal of energy in the direction of judgment, insecurity, fear and mistrust. Reading about this in Anita's book has helped me to more fully understand that self-love is of great importance to healing - and to living a joyful life.


My Esoteric Healing teacher often started our  meditations with the words, "I have emotions, but I AM NOT my emotions. I have thoughts, but I AM NOT my mind. I have a body, but I AM NOT my body." Then, "Who am I?"  I wondered.  I am the Divine spark who EXPRESSES through the vehicles of my body, mind and emotions - the one who inhabits my body and uses my mind and emotions as tools. I have the power to choose my thoughts and emotions - that is the self that we love (the magnificent, divine Self), which leads to a total acceptance of the human being that we are - you know, the one that we tend to judge harshly. 

For me, it's about recognizing who I really am - the magnificent spirit who is all-loving and all-powerful and certainly deserving of respect and love.  Just because I haven't paid much attention to it/her doesn't mean she's not there at the core of who I am. I started by purposefully and intentionally asking that part of me (hmmmm, that MOST IMPORTANT part of me) in meditation to EXPRESS itself through my thoughts, words, emotions and action. Now I'm asking more often and noticing it more often. Now that I'm getting an inkling of the love my inner self has for me, its vehicle, I think that being myself happens more easily. Intentional communication with the divine self, with the invitation for it to express itself through me(my personality and ego) is a good way for me to learn more about who I really am and to BE who I really am. I am a work in progress.   We all are.


I am also developing a more loving relationship with my body, since it is the vehicle of expression for my 'magnificent' self and it needs loving and nurturing to thrive.  That's my job, my responsibility - not my doctor's -  and I can do that by "listening to my body" - something I've said to my Yoga students for years...LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.  I can choose to eat healthy foods, get lots of fresh air and exercise, rest when tired, and cry when I feel that lump in my throat (processing my emotions instead of stuffing them).


I used to think that being myself meant "acting the way I thought others wanted me to be, then it became acting the way I aspired to be".  Neither of those was actually me. I was blocked off from communications with my real self, so I was not able to BE my self.  I ask it/her to make me aware of its presence and now I'm noticing it by the 'higher vibration/more loving' thoughts that pop into my head. Communication with the inner/real/divine self makes me so much more eager to express that part of me and get to know her better. This is a spiritual act, an intentional blending of spirit with personality. Sanaya Roman has many meditations and books that are extremely helpful to me in this way.  Click here to see the website....


Sanaya Roman...Orin & DaBen

These works are channeled and are the best source I have found for spiritual growth and development. Remember that the Bible was channeled, so channeling is a natural and not-so-uncommon occurrence, but if it's not in your comfort zone, them maybe it's not for you.  If you want to check it out, invite in some new ideas and feel better about yourself, try reading LIVING WITH JOY by Sanaya Roman. 

To see it, click here...  Living with Joy Link  If you really like it, order the associated guided-meditation CDs and listen to them.


These meditations and books have helped me to experience significant growth and healing in my spirit-focus. I am the Divine spark who EXPRESSES through the vehicles of my personality (mind, emotions, body)  - the one who inhabits my body and uses my mind and emotions as tools. 


My sister, MJ, and I were sitting together at a Catholic funeral of a relative a couple years ago.  When we were asked to pray, "Oh Lord, I am  not worthy".  We both said, "I am TOO worthy."  I think that demonstrates a change of the belief I AM NOT WORTHY that we are both experiencing.


In my journaling group, I have often given the assignment "Perform one act of loving self-care this week and report back to the group".  There was a wide range of activities that fit into this 'loving self-care' category, from taking a nap to drinking a cup of tea on the porch to making oneself breakfast in bed.  It's taking care of yourself as you would take care of a dearly loved one, with kindness, compassion, gentleness and love.

For more on this topic, click here to view Anita Moorjani on Self-Love in a separate window.


What is an act of loving self-care for you?  When is the last time you did that?  Next time?


Joy and Peace,
Maggie