Chemo Decision

CHEMO - to do it or not to do it?  Anita Moorjani did it, even though she knew she was healed.  I don't think Wayne Dyer did it, but he KNOWS he is healed.  When I was first diagnosed 1997, I did chemo because I was just plain scared and because my family members said they wanted me to do it because if I died without doing it, then I wouldn't have done ALL I COULD DO to 'fight' the cancer.  

Although I thought it was important to believe that chemo would actually help me, I just couldn't convince myself because it made no sense to me.  I was voluntarily putting poison into my body, which pretty much destroys the immune system, and the immune system is the best tool (natural healing) to get rid of the disease, so I never actually did believe it.  After I was done with chemo, I decided that I would NEVER do it again - because of the poison factor and because I never wanted to feel that sick again.

Over time, with some degrees of healing, I decided that the only circumstances under which I would do chemo would be if it would make me feel better.  Before that time, I had never heard of it helping anyone to feel better. Soon after that decision, I talked with 2 different people who told me that chemo had helped them to feel better.  I was shocked!  So, then I decided that if I couldn't breathe and someone told me chemo would help, then I would do it.  Breathing is the most essential function of this physical body.  

So, guess what happened?  I had a tumor in one of my bronchial tubes that totally blocked off one of the lobes in my lung.  I was coughing and short of breath and had surgery that removed only part of the tumor from the inside of my bronchial tube - a chunk of it was still outside of my bronchial tube.  Although there were other tumors in my body that were 'stable', that one kept growing and I agreed to do chemo, but told the doctor that my quality of life was very important and that I didn't want to be as sick as I had been in '97 because I had an extremely poor  quality of life at that time.  And, I have no desire to live that way again - ever.  

In 97-98, I spent all my time in a reclining position - on the couch mostly.  My white blood cell count was dangerously low, which made me susceptible to infections (potentially lethal), and I was advised against going out in public.  I also had several chemo treatments cancelled/postponed because of the low blood count (psychologically & emotionally difficult).  I had no energy, no appetite and lots of nausea - and no fun - for about 6-7 months.  

I have been on some form of chemo now for 15 months.  Oncologist strategy - as long as a treatment seems to be working (no new tumors, no growth of existing tumors), just keep doing it.  If the disease progresses, change the treatment.  I have been able to relax and meditate during treatments, visualizing the chemo as healing energy zapping tumors.  

So far, my quality of life has not suffered too much due to various drugs used to counteract the side effects.  Baldness is not painful and chemo brain and other minor side effects can be tolerated. How can you tell if memory problems are due to age, lack of estrogen or chemo? I still practice and teach yoga and participate in as many social activities as I want.  I am enJOYing my life now more than I ever have and am grateful for every day I wake up in the morning.  I also practice healing visualizations and lead 2 guided imagery groups, which feeds my spirit in a way that feels really good to me.  It's hard to find clipart on this subject.

Memory Issues

A normal Neuron "working" in the brain-not sure I have ANY of these...

Masculine version of me at my old job

Between my extreme estrogen-deficiency and gallons of chemo pumped through my body over the years, not to mention 2 "radio-surgeries" on my brain, my memory just isn't what it used to be.  Since I once earned my living as a project manager, my memory was my most valuable tool for my work.  So, after my first go-round with chemo in 1997, I realized that that job was no longer right for me.  This really was a good thing because that job had been a source of a whole LOT of stress for many years.  Over time, I have learned to accept my slightly-faulty memory. I have become accustomed to things like:

• Walking into a room and not remembering why
• Not being able to find things that I was SURE I would remember when I put them in their place
• Not remembering phone numbers - my phones do that for me now
• Forgetting what show is on TV during a commercial
• Occasionally wondering where I'm going when driving
• Not remembering conversations
• Not remembering where my calendar and my to-do list are
• Finding the to-do list and not remembering what I was going to write on it
• Not being able to find a simple word (searching, searching, not finding) and allowing others to help me finish sentences.  One of my yoga students is especially good at that, which often comes in handy during class.  I often find myself saying, while pointing, "that thing". 
• Retrieving the wrong words - like saying soccer when I meant to say scrabble.  That substitution made sense to me because they both have the letters S and C and both are games, so they must be stored near one another in my brain (?)
• Not remembering how a movie ends - that way, I can watch it multiple times and enjoy it every time.  The same is true for jokes - I can enjoy them again and again (if someone else tells them).

I have found a solution to the first item listed above.  I make up a song and sing it out loud, for example, "going to get the toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, going to get the toilet paper and put it where it goes."   I keep singing the song until I've accomplished my mission.  It works well for me, when I can remember to make up a song.  I told my 86-year-old mom about this and she says it works well for her, too.

I have a humorous example of a conversation I totally forgot.  Here is a photo from inside of our gazebo - with Lake Huron in the background.  My husband and I were celebrating our gazebo's grand opening in May.  A friend noticed that there's a tiny hole in his sock - and, my socks don't match - oh no!

We had visitors last month - sister, brother & sister-in-law - so, we spent some quality time together in the gazebo.  A bald eagle flew directly over our heads while we were all watching it, which was TOTALLY COOL.  Anyway, I was talking about how I had been shortening the name of our gazebo to things like "gizbo" or "G-bo" when somebody said, "How about G-spot?" and we all laughed heartily.  A week or so later, my brother called me and started the conversation with, "So, how are things in your G-spot?" Having totally forgotten the earlier conversation, I sat in stunned silence, wondering why my brother would say such a thing to me. Then, he reminded me about the earlier conversation, and we laughed. I think we were both blushing. Now, I always call it the g-spot.  Going out there in a few minutes to meditate.  It's a beautiful day here in MI.


Anyone else have memory issues and/or solutions?  Or, an amusing story about memory-malfunctions?


Joy and peace to you,
Maggie McDee