Bad News, Oncologists & Hope

I had scans (MRI and CT) recently and saw my oncologist on Friday to get the results. I drew this portrait of him a week before the appointment to visualize him delivering good news.  I think it's a good likeness and the one curly hair is what would grow if he didn't shave it off every day. I will do this visualization more often now to prepare for the next set of test results.  It is easy for me to hold this image in my mind and it makes me smile.  This picture is on my bulletin board in the kitchen where I see if often, too.

For your musical entertainment while reading this, click here to listen to a song that has been rolling around in my brain for about two weeks now.  I have asked my dear son-in-law, Jeremy, to learn this song for me.  He has the most beautiful baritone voice!

Anyhow, the news was that I have a new, yet rather small, brain tumor.  It's interesting to note that this is the 3rd June in a row that I've had this same thing happen.  It's in my cerebellum again, which controls coordination and balance (yoga students - that's why my balance has been off lately). Last year, we traveled to Saginaw/Midland for gamma knife radiation.  Click on that to see my post from last year on this topic. Doc said that the tumor in my bronchial tube that has been making me wheeze is only slightly bigger than last scan (less than inch in whatever dimension it was measured).  He said that this is "not really bad news".  I think he meant it could have been a lot worse.

I have spent the last two days processing this information. I have done this a lot of times in the past and perhaps experience makes it a little easier, but I have been doing some grieving while integrating this information and am being gentle with myself in the process. Tears can be healing while allowing the expression of emotion. Many emotional triggers have been activated and, as these always seem to bring gifts/blessings/lessons (g-blessons), I will feel them and deal with them one at a time. This processing time (I sometimes call it hibernation) usually takes a couple of days or even several days before I find the BOTTOM LINE, then I pick myself up and carry on with healing my life.  

What is the  BOTTOM LINE?  

I know that, no matter what happens, I will be okay.  I woke up with this knowing this morning. I also get a break from chemo.  I will always HOPE for remission and I have some very loving, supportive people in my life who hope with me.  I am not denying the scientific fact that oncologists are challenged to see beyond - science and statistics say that I will surely die.  Big surprise - we ALL will surely die, but death is simply a transition back to spirit.  I believe that hope can be a powerful healer and I am doing my best to elicit some hopeful words from my Dr. Science-Oncologist, then to watch the trickle-down effect when I tell people that my doctor is hopeful for me.  I have never yet heard words of hope from this specialty type of doctor (and I have known quite a few of them).  I know they have to be careful of what they say because of legalities and they don't want to give people false hope (but, come on, no hope at all?) They seem to have this head-strong belief that science knows more about illness than sick people who might know something about healing. They seem to overlook the fact that the human being is capable of spontaneous remission - it happens all the time. Science cannot explain it because it's not a scientific, measurable phenomenon. It's proof of the PLACEBO EFFECT - what you believe is going to happen to you is what happens to you. This is more of a mental, emotional and spiritual shift that can often result in a physical shift as well.  

I am living proof of that.  After my first Stage IV diagnosis, I went into total remission for 7 years.  At that time, I believed that my very life depended on my learning to forgive hurts that I had held onto for so very many years. It worked for me until I started holding onto hurts again. And, I believed (eek, the power of belief!) that this behavior was dangerous for my health because it had the possibility of inciting can-can cells in my body once again.  I have finally learned that forgiveness really is about letting go of the pain I have been causing myself. It's truly an act of self-love. And, I have learned so very much about love in the last year...

I wonder if hope is the missing ingredient in the oncologist's bag of tricks.  My doctor already practices medicine with love, for which I am extremely grateful. When I said this to him, he seemed surprised, but said he treats patients as if they were family members - there's the love. And, I love the fact that he doesn't wear a white coat...those things can be so intimidating. If all oncologists are feeling hopeless for their Stage IV patients, and consequently, their patients are also feeling hopeless, and the patient's loving family and friends are also feeling hopeless, is it possible that this is the reason for the high mortality rates? Wouldn't everyone be happier with more hope in the ability of the human spirit to heal her/himself? Or, perhaps a knowing/belief in that BOTTOM LINE?  Supported by the best-known authority (doctor) on the subject?

Great new book that I highly recommend for everyone is MIND OVER MEDICINE: Scientific Proof that You Can Heal Yourself by Lissa Rankin MD. That's the Amazon link. I think this woman's thinking and conclusions are an indicator of a new and better direction for health care - better for doctors and better for patients. 

With great love and appreciation for your presence in my life. 

Mega-Magnificent Maggie McDee

 

Hey Chemo! I'm Talking to YOU

Hey Chemo! I'm talking to you!  What are you? Cells? Molecules? Atoms? Blobs? Soldiers? Witches' Brew? Drugs? Nuclear weapons? Syrupy Liquid? Whatever you are - we need to talk.  I understand that many very smart brains have worked very hard to develop and test your formulation. I think those scientists and doctors are doing the very best they can to "fight the war" they feel they are fighting against this disease called cancer, along with the cooperation of those brave souls/cancer patients who participate in clinical trials.  It appears that cancer is a formidable enemy.  I don't even like to give that word the energy required to say it or type it.  

How about can-can?  Like the dance.  I'll call it can-can.

We humans can be a war-like culture, always involved in conflicts of some kind evidenced by the fact that we have multiple wars going on  at once -- a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on poverty, a war on can-can -- you name it, we'll wage a war against it.  

That makes me think of a song. Here's a quick diversion. We never, ever do nothin' nice-n-easy.  We always do it nice-n-ROUGH.  Click to listen to Proud Mary on youtube.

As I was saying, I want to talk to you, chemo, about making a different arrangement - a different agreement - so that we are not enemies, so that you are my ally, supporter, helper, healer, and friend.  I want you to meet my can-can.  I want you to search out can-can cells and blobs in my body.  Please start by taking one of the can-can cells by the hand and saying, "Do you remember who you are?  I am here to help you remember who you really are."  If they can't remember the original reason for their existence (like being a healthy lung or liver cell), then simply escort them to the nearest exit.  If they do remember, help them with a make-over to restore them to their natural, perfectly Divine beauty and function.



Some medical people choose to view chemo as poison and have told me so very matter-of-factly while aiming the needle into my vein.  To quote, "You know this is poison going into your veins, don't you?"  As if my beautiful computer-designed stickers that say "Divine Healing Love" and "Love Potion No. 9" stuck to the IV apparatus are feeble attempts to deny the reality of it all.  In the eyes of can-can, chemo is poison.  In the test tube, it kills can-can cells.  It also kills a few other cells in the body and I'm sure the hope is that, like arsenic used to treat heart-worm in dogs, the chemo kills the can-can before it kills the patient.  It kinda makes me feel like I'm "living on the edge".

I cannot discount the efforts of all the people who have worked so hard to make chemo a reality.  Many people's lives have been saved or extended with these powerful drugs. Others' lives have ended - I especially honor those people.  

I am choosing to view chemo as Divine Healing Love, aka Love Potion No. 9, coined by my dear friend, Vicki. Click to listen to Love Potion No. 9 on youtube

I just LOVE that there's a song out there for EVERYthing!!  I use my imagination (imagery) to see the light of Divine Healing Love pouring down through the ceiling and infusing the liquid in the IV bag with a brilliant white or rainbow light.  Every drop of chemo is infused with that light.  I see it flow down the tubing and enter into one of my veins.  From there, it spreads first to every blood cell of my blood, then to every cell of my body - every organ, blood vessel, muscle, nerve, bone, brain, lungs w/bronchial tubes, glands and all my other parts.  Soon, my body is glowing with the energy of Divine Healing Love.  Once all my cells are filled up, the energy radiates out from my body to fill up first the Cancer Center and all who are present there, then out to the rest of the hospital, spreading the high frequency vibration of Divine Healing Love to everyone nearby - patients and workers both.

Questioning My Spiritual Beliefs

The science of Quantum Physics is now telling us that everything in the Universe is made of energy and that we are part of all that is.  We are at-one with EVERYTHING in the Universe. We are each cells in the larger body of "The One", "I AM That","God", "Divinity", the "Universe", whatever you wish to call it.  When we choose to come into the physical body (incarnate), we take on an ego that allows us to see ourselves and others as separate individuals.  We feel separate from one another as well as separate from God; sometimes, even separate from ourselves.  Buddhists, and others, tell us that the whole physical world is just an illusion and that only the world (dimension) of Spirit is real...that time exists in the physical just so we can think about it in a linear fashion while we are on Earth.  
Please remember what I always say - take with you what feels right to you-IN YOUR HEART-and leave the rest right here. Click the underlined text  to listen to Joan Baez sing  The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down  on Youtube.  Around 1:20, she sings "take what you need and leave the rest".  I just pulled out that song because of that one half-line, but if you remember Joan Baez, you can enjoy her live performance by clicking there.

Shakespeare said something like, "The whole world is a play/stage and everybody plays a part."  My Esoteric Healing instructor said, "You are the director, writer and star of your own play." 

If you'd rather listen to "The Whole World is a Stage and Everybody Plays a Part" by the Fantastic Four (from Detroit - MoTown - the city I was born in).  This was a minor distraction. I hope you took a quick break and enjoyed some oldies music.  I believe that there is a song for EVERYTHING.  It's great to always have a song in my heart (and a humming in my throat) - it just feels good - not like having an annoying song STUCK in my head.  Or, I find a song I love to replace the one that is stuck in my head.

What if there is really no such thing as time and that everything - every minute of every lifetime - is happening all at once in the world of spirit?  What if making a change today has an effect on every part of "the oneness" across all time lines, past and future and possible future?  These are big questions that merit their own posts.

At some point in our lives, we might begin to ask questions like, "Is there more to me than this body, mind, emotions (personality), my family, house, career, and possessions? How am I nourishing my spirit? Is there room to grow spiritually? Why am I here? Is there a purpose to my life?  What am I missing in life?" and more.  I think this happens when our ego begins to long for that "oneness feeling" that it has only "veiled" memories of.  This could be the time of the mid-life crisis, when people start to do things that are "out of character" for them (like buying the Harley).  Really, it can happen at nearly any age, not necessarily middle-age.  

I saw this in myself as a restlessness, always questioning the religious and philosophical "truths" I was taught in Catholic school, especially the teachings about God and Love. If God IS LOVE, then why would God EVER judge anyone?  Let alone, send anyone to eternal punishment/damnation/hell/suffering for making a single HUMAN mistake and not confessing it before physical death?.  Is God not the ultimate? Is God not the perfection of love itself?  Isn't perfect love totally unconditional?  My brain could not comprehend judgment and damnation being a part of unconditional love.  When I read the book CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD BOOK I by Neale Donald Walsch, shortly before my first cancer diagnosis in '97, it felt right to me and presented an idea of God that was more like my impression of what a god-like being should be, rather than the vengeful, fear-invoking God I had learned about as a child, based on the one teaching I DID believe: that God is love.

This CHANGE I'm talking about can have various catalysts, like simply feeling old, a serious illness, death of a beloved one, end of a relationship, marriage, sudden change or end of a career, a significant change in income, a trauma of any kind, or a near death experience - any type of significant life event.  Mine was my first cancer diagnosis in '97. I felt like it had pulled the rug out from under me/my life and knocked me down HARD and I had to pick myself up  and get back into life.  I have often referred to this event as like 'being hit over the head with a 2x4'. 

When people start to question their spiritual beliefs, to modify their philosophy of life, to dramatically change their priorities, they may even reject religion or change religions.  They may develop a new belief that, since we are a part of God - the Divine spark that resides within us, we do not need an outside source to teach us - we can go inside to know who we really are and to be ourselves...to BE who we really, truly are, not who we think others want or expect us to be. We can receive guidance from our "Divine Spark" by first asking for it, then by paying attention to our feelings and listening to the whispers of our spirit working through people, animals, books, signs, movies, etc. We are driven to want more information, a closer union with and a better understanding of the Divinity within. The spirit/soul and the personality long for union. There is a longing to merge into what is known in the Ancient Wisdom as a soul-infused personality.  

I ask and allow my 'Divine self' to think through my mind, speak through my words and act through my body. I wish to be the outward expression of the Love/God/Divine that lives within me, that animates my personality.  I ask my Divine Spark/Self to focus more intently on what's going on in my human/physical life. 

Any time I feel uncomfortable, when I remember to, I ask my Divine Self to help me out (S.O.S.) and, like yesterday, during my guided imagery presentation at the Alpena Friends Together Cancer Conference, I found myself saying things that I had not planned to talk about.  I told them about my imagery work with the energy of Divine Healing Love (click to see an example) and that I think my job or purpose is to demonstrate by my example, that someone can have cancer and still live a (relatively) normal, happy life. 

I added an experimental 'hit counter' to this blog on the right side of the screen.  We'll see if it works.  I'm not even sure what it's counting. :)

This is not the topic I was intending to write about, but I think it may be food for thought.  If you have questions or comments, click on the Comment button below, or send me an email at maggiehealing@gmail.com.

Namaste' & blessings and love....

Imagery-Being a Sunflower

This is a Sunflower Imagery Meditation.  I put this on my computer after guiding myself through the visualization of first being a sunflower seed, then growing into the flower, then... well, read it for yourself.

Sunflower Imagery Meditation

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a flower?  You are about to take a journey to experience what it’s like to be a flower.  Begin by closing your eyes and taking in 3 deep breaths – inhaling through your nose, exhaling through your mouth.  Relax and let go of any concerns that are on your mind.  Imagine that you are a sunflower seed.  You are a fully ripened sunflower seed.  You are nestled closely to other sunflower seeds in the center of a large, beautiful, golden yellow sunflower.  You are filled with anticipation as you feel your connection to the flower head is loosening.  A small bird – a goldfinch of brightest yellow and black - is perched upside down on the flower head, using its beak and foot to pry loose the seed beside you.  As the goldfinch flies away with its prize, you feel yourself falling, falling toward the earth.  A breeze gently caresses your shell as you come to a landing on the soft earth among blades of grass.  You notice that the earth feels much cooler than the flower head.  You are feeling lonely without the company of your sister and brother seeds, yet the Earth comforts you and reassures you.

A chipmunk comes along and sniffs at your hard, outer shell.  You feel its hot breath as he picks you up with his paws and tucks you into his cheek.  It’s dark, warm and moist inside the chipmunk’s cheek.  You sense the movement as the chipmunk searches for the right spot, and then quickly digs a hole with his front paws.  The chipmunk opens his mouth and you fall onto the earth again. 

The light from the sun gradually disappears as the chipmunk covers you with dirt.  Now it’s dark and cold, but you’re feeling very tired, so you curl up and go into a dreamless sleep for the winter…

You slowly wake up, feeling warmth and moisture on your shell from the Spring thaw.  You are aware of an inner change.  As you stretch, your shell softens and cracks open.   Your first root pushes out and down into the earth in search of water and nutrients.  Your stem pokes through the other end of your shell and pushes up, breaking through the surface of the earth to reach for the sun.  Two leaves burst forth from your stem and now you can feel the warmth and light of the sun again.  Ah, how you have missed the sun!  You take in a deep breath of fresh air through your shiny new leaves.  When the sun goes down, you bring your awareness to your primary root that is growing down into the earth.  You send new shoots out the sides of your primary root to counterbalance/hold the weight of your stem and leaves and to search for water and nutrition sources from the soil.  Your roots search for nutrients – helpings of love from Mother Earth.  Your roots also provide the solid foundation upon which you will grow. 

As days go by, your stem grows strong, taller and thicker.  New, smaller stems and leaves grow out from your main stem, reaching for the sun.  At the same time, your root system is growing and expanding, channeling water and nutrients to your stem and leaves. 

Occasionally, you must curl your roots around rocks or send them deeper and wider to find water.  Your stem and leaves enjoy the gentle caresses of the wind.  You can feel the tiny footsteps of ants and other insects that stop by to touch you.  Sometimes, they take small bites of food from your leaves – this is only a minor inconvenience as you know you are there to nourish them and that you heal quickly. 

During a thunderstorm, your whole being vibrates to the sound of thunder.  Lightning flashes add nitrogen to the air and your leaves breathe it in.  Raindrops wash the dust from your body.  High winds challenge the strength of your stem and roots.  The storm tears off one of your beautiful green leaves and then another.  Your stem whips back and forth wildly in the wind.  You use all of your strength to hold on and stand tall during the storm.  When it’s over, you feel exhausted… 

Your leaves are bruised -- your roots are stretched and aching -- your stem is leaning over.  Your roots expand and drink in large amounts of water, sending life-affirming nutrition and energy up your stem to your leaves and more growth occurs.  You feel stronger every day as you grow taller, heal your wounds, grow some new, bigger leaves and reach toward the sun – ever reaching toward the sun. 

One morning, you notice something new – your flower bud is forming.  Since your stem and leaves are now fully mature, you send most of your nutrients directly to your growing flower bud.  It sits on top of your stem and looks up at the sun.  You recognize the bud as your face.  You start to peel back its edges and tiny, yellow petals emerge in a circle around your brown velvet center.  You roots expand again to feed the bloom, and the petals grow larger and surround your face with brilliant golden orange-yellow splashes.  You open your eyes and behold the beauty of the sky above.  You can see the sun you’ve been reaching for.  You breathe in the beauty of the earth and sky.  You see how big, strong and powerful you are.  You see a ladybug land on a leaf as another small insect crawls up your stem.  You barely notice their tiny bites as they express their gratitude for the food you generously provide.  A monarch butterfly lands on your nose and opens its wings to sun itself as you marvel at its intricate beauty.  You often feel the buzzing of bees as they land on your face to gather and spread pollen – you thank them for the essential work they do… 

You delight in the sensations of sunlight, moonlight, raindrops and breezes on your face and body.   At night, you vibrate to the songs of crickets and count the stars in the sky. You enjoy every moment of BEING a sunflower – a powerful reflection of the sun – a perfect reflection of the light and beauty of physical existence.  You enjoy every moment of BEING and reaching toward the light – reaching toward the sun. 

Now, you notice that your petals are falling away in the breeze and seeds are forming in your face.  You carefully fill each seed with light and love.  Your face grows heavy from the weight of the seeds and turns down toward the earth, so the sun shines on the back of your head.  The days are growing shorter and the birds are coming now – goldfinches are the same color as your petals were – chickadees are chattering – as they land on your upside down face, to pluck one seed at a time and fly off to enjoy its gift of life.  You enjoy providing nourishment for birds and insects alike.  You notice a seed that lands on the earth and watch as a chipmunk snatches it up and carries it away.  You smile, observing the cycle of life.

The Buddha said “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”   Let’s take a few moments of quiet time to reflect on that.

Written by: Maggie McDermid

Imagery-Dissipating Disturbing Energies With Love

DISSIPATING DISTURBING EMOTIONAL ENERGIES WITH LOVE.....

An E-Motion is Energy in Motion, so we can work with emotions from an energetic perspective, using the incredible power of the imagination.

This is an imagery meditation/prayer to help dissipate disturbing emotional energy (anxiety, fear, confusion, worry, depression, anger, etc.)  It is NOT a way to repress emotions, but to honor and process them, recognize and accept them; and transform them into a higher, spiritual vibration.  Sit down, close your eyes, breathe 3 (or more) long, slow, deep breaths to just slow you down - inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.  Then, allow your breathing to return to normal or 'automatic' and imagine that, with each inhale, you breathe in the energy of Divine Healing Love/God's Grace/Christ's love/Buddha's nirvana, etc. Imagine what color or color(s) it might be and the qualities of its texture - liquid, JEWELS, SEQUINS, sparkles or energy or liquid, etc. Feel it fillinng up your lungs as oxygen would and going directly into your loving heart.  Then, see the love you breathed in filling the cup of your heart until it overflows (your cup runneth over).  Then, as you exhale, see this superbly, Divinely sublime (DEFINITION - of such excellence, grandeur, or beauty as to inspire great admiration or awe) love spread out to the rest of your body, shining its beautiful light until the entire body glows - including an aura that surrounds the body - filling up every cell to its maximum holding capacity for Divine love energy and feel/see the energy's light increase in intensity.  

NUTSHELL VERSION: INHALING DIVINE HEALING LOVE TO HEART, CONTINUING TO EXHALE THE LOVE THAT RUNNETH OVER THE CUP, SENDING LOVE TO THE REST OF THE BODY, SURROUNDING & FILLING EVERY CELL TO FULL CAPACITY.

Continue this form of breathing, allowing your body and mind to "just let go" of all tension, concerns, and discomfort until you're feeling more relaxed. 

Then, remember the disturbing emotion - you could give it a specific shape & name if you wish - and notice where you are feeling it in your body. Focusing your attention on the emotion and the physical sensation, allow yourself to observe and accept the emotion and the sensation.  Ask how this feeling might have been a defensive strategy for you or served some other purpose for you in the past, remembering that you are not the same person you were then. Take as long as you need to acknowledge the feeling and accept it as part of the expression of your human 'self'.

Invite the feeling into your heart. Shine the light of Divine Healing Love unto the feeling and notice it begin to lighten up and dissipate.  Continue until you feel a change occurring, then embrace and love the emotion.  If change does not occur immediately, you will probably notice it by the next day.  This process can be repeated as often as desired.

Nutshell Version:  NOTICE WHERE YOU FEEL THE EMOTION IN THE BODY, ACCEPT IT AS PART OF YOUR HUMAN EXPRESSION. SHINE THE LIGHT OF LOVE ON THE EMOTION, FEEL IT LIGHTEN UP AND DISSIPATE. RINSE & REPEAT, IF DESIRED/NEEDED. Namaste'