My Experiment with The DENIAL Law of Healing

I've been busy teaching my Love Heals class and truly enjoyed all the interactions with the students.  I am grateful for how much I have learned and grown as a result of teaching this class.

I wanted to tell you about my use of the DENIAL (NO) Law of Healing from Catherine Ponder's book DYNAMIC LAWS OF HEALING.  Of course, it reminds me of a song, 

so click here to listen to one way of SAYING NO

I have had 3 rounds of chemo with Ixempra and had horrific headaches for 7-10 days after each of the first two treatments - significant enough that I was on a prescription painkiller.  Just before my 3rd treatment, I had just read about this law, which seemed strange, as it is very different from affirmations.  But, I decided to perform an experiment on myself.

This is a conscious, emphatic DENIAL. Whenever I felt a headache coming on, I would say out loud "NO NO NO!  IT IS NOT SO!  I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS APPEARANCE.  IT HAS NO POWER. IT IS NOTHING! IT IS NOT REAL!"  

The pain would then disappear IMMEDIATELY.  I was so convinced after the first attempt was successful that I did it several times over the course of about a week and it kept the headache away without the aid of drugs.  I was amazed and oh so happy!  I'm continuing to use it to talk to my can-can. Imagine the power in that.  I also added some affirmations at the end like.  I AM LOVED.  I AM HEALED.

I started a LOVE HEALS page on Facebook.  If you wish to view it, click here.... Love Heals FB Page

Love and hugs for you,

Magnificent Maggie

Forgiveness-updated 5/31/13

addition on May 31, 2013...
Food for thought. New idea about forgiveness...if love is unconditional, there is NO JUDGMENT; therefore, there is no need for forgiveness.  As an act of loving acceptance, if we can let go of the judgment of the other person (or self), we can break out of the prison on UNforgiveness.

In forgiving, we are choosing to let go of:
* the judgment we have been holding onto
* the pain we have been inflicting on ourselves by feeling angry, hurt and/or victimized

* the indignation, guilt, embarrassment, helplessness, victim-consciousness, shame, or any other feelings  we may have buried under our 'righteous anger'
* holding someone else (or self) responsible for our own pain

IMAGINE:  If we all loved everyone unconditionally (including ourselves), the word forgiveness would not be in our vocabulary. :)

FORGIVENESS has been one of my major life lessons.  I've had this tendency to hold on to my wounds, or hurt feelings.   It seems that each time my can-can "came back", I was working on forgiving someone that was challenging me.  The first, and worst, was my mother.  I had been angry with her for as long as I could remember.

Click to enjoy Linda Ronstadt's HURT SO BAD on youtube

My mother offered me the opportunity to learn how to forgive when forgiveness seemed impossible. What helped me to learn it was actually based on some logical arguments. I was very much into my thinking in those days, 11 years ago. My can-can had metastacized and I was having a serious heart health issue (from chemo 4 years prior - or some other reason.)

* BELIEF: I believed that my lifelong negative feelings for my mother, as well as all the other negative feelings I totally repressed, were the root cause of my can-can

* DO IT FOR MYSELF: I heard someone say that forgiveness is for the benefit of the forgiver. It is a "decision to let go of the pain you are causing yourself" This made total logical sense to me.

* FEAR: (which I thought was a good motivator for me at the time) I feared that NOT forgiving her would surely result in my death - the anger and resentment I held in my heart would fuel the can-can, which was already threatening to kill me.

* KARMA: If she was the perpetrator and I was the victim in this lifetime, then chances were pretty good that our roles were reversed in another lifetime/dimension/reality

* GRATITUDE:  I began to feel grateful for recognizing that this was an opportunity for my spiritual growth

* BELIEF: I had built a brick wall around my heart and this was the key/sledge-hammer to knocking it down. My UNforgiveness had affected every relationship in my life and I had a strong desire to experience/feel unconditional love. Still, the logical approach to a heart issue.

* COMPASSION: I believe that everyone does the best they can possibly do in any given situation.  She made a lot of mistakes and that was still her very best.  She just didn't know any better.  Also, seeing her as a delicate-looking, fragile elderly woman dealing with a difficult life-situation made compassion come more easily.

I went into remission at this point (for 7 years) and thought that I had it all figured out.  On two occasions after that, I got stuck in a place of unforgiveness and more can-can appeared.  Thinking I had already learned this lesson, part of me was mad at the Universe for encountering it (state of UNforgiveness, obsessing over hurt feelings) again.  Forgiveness was still difficult for me, but I've learned to get rid of obsessive thoughts.

I now believe that LOVE is the answer/cure/resolution to everything as it is the very essence of everything.  Self-love is of primary importance and can eliminate the need for forgiveness.  With self-love, we tend to NOT take things personally.  We can look at the other person as a mirror with a message about ourselves.

Click to enjoy LOVE IS THE ANSWER on youtube

A Message To My Body

I know that this body is the vehicle my Self has chosen for her journey through this physical lifetime. Along with my recently realized need to love myself, accepting all of me, including my quirks and imperfections, I had been thinking in terms of my personality-self.  I did not include you, Dear Body, because I have found it very difficult to love you. I was taught as a young person that the body is the "temple of the Holy Spirit", so the Holy Spirit must be my Higher Self - the part of me that is a spark of the Divine. I've already talked to the cells inside of me, now I need to make peace with my body.  That's right, make peace.

While reading, feel free to click here to listen to JOHN LENNON'S GIVE PEACE A CHANCE  on youtube.

Dear Body-of-Mine,

I know that you were under a lot of stress for many years and that you spent lots of your precious energy keeping my emotions in check. You became very skilled as I insisted that you store and repress my emotions and memories, to hide them in your tissues, far away from my awareness so that I could behave well for others, always seeking to make them happy without any concern for myself. 

I did notice that you seemed to have difficulty holding on sometimes when I was experiencing PMS. There must be something about PMS energy that made it very difficult for you to keep holding down those emotions and they sometimes burst out in the form of anger, fury or rage. I have already given you permission to release those emotions and memories and have observed them exiting in many floods of tears over the past year or so. Thank you, dear body, I am feeling much lighter now.

Honestly, I felt betrayed by you, dear body - wounded and bleeding, first a victim of life, then a victim of a dreaded disease - again and again and again and again. I demanded that you endure the pain of countless mutilations, invasions, toxic chemicals, needles, radiation treatments, and medical tests, all mixed together with embarrassment, guilt, sorrow, blame, anger and fear. Part of me felt like I/you somehow deserved to suffer. I believed that:

LIVING MEANS SUFFERING, 

LOVING MEANS SACRIFICING  and

the more you're willing to sacrifice, the more loving you are

I learned as a child that Christian martyrs were the best kind of saints because they were willing to sacrifice their lives for a cause/God they believed in. And, they died the most gruesome deaths - with torture, eaten by lions, stoned, burned, hanged, crucified, tongues and eyes cut out - like a modern day horror movie. I was taught that the willingness to sacrifice one's life was the greatest act of love possible. I sometimes wonder if I am living that belief - die a gruesome death and God will be pleased with me??? yikes!!! I am choosing to let go of any beliefs that are in alignment with that one.

I had forgotten who I really was for many years, but can-can encouraged me to come back to my spirit, come back to God, but I did not come to a place of love for you, my dear body.  I took you for granted.  I expected you to heal, to bounce back, to endure all kinds of torture, to stop causing me so much trouble, to give me a freaking break! I felt like you teased me with two long-term remissions.  I said to you, "So, you DO know how to heal.  You proved it twice already. Why don't you do it NOW? What's WRONG with you, body? Why are you f**king with me?  I hate you - you don't deserve to be loved. Why don't you function perfectly when I don't love and nurture you?" 

I needed someone/someTHING to blame, so I blamed you for my unhappiness, for my can-can. I am a good person, so YOU must be the problem. I wanted you to just go away and leave me alone. What does it mean when you say that to your body? Go away and leave me alone? Is that a death wish? Perhaps it is. Okay, cancel that.  Take it back. I want you to be with me for a very long time, body, so I promise to take better care of you, to treat you with love (gosh, can I really do that?) I don't feel like my body is beautiful or lovable. It is my SLAVE and it will do exactly what I want it to do, because I AM THE BOSS! I AM IN CONTROL! What a ruse I have played on myself! One of the great can-can lessons is that I have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER.

I know that I asked you, Dear Body, to work overtime and wouldn't let you rest when you were crying out for it. I know you've never felt truly loved, appreciated or cherished; mostly ignored, despised or simply tolerated. I am truly sorry I didn't honor you when you made your simple needs for rest, nutrition, hydration and PEACE known to me. Instead, I filled you with sugar, adrenalin, cortisol, judgment and criticism. I worked you well beyond the state of exhaustion and then insisted that you give even more when you had no more to give.  I wanted to LOOK GOOD in the eyes of others. I just kept pushing and pushing, expecting your top performance. I know you felt like you were alone, as if you weren't part of the larger whole, the oneness of my being - body, mind and spirit. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could demonstrate to the world that it's possible to fully recover from this terminal diagnosis by becoming a better person, by letting go of limiting beliefs, by practicing healing techniques, specialized diets, and a whole bunch of complementary therapies.

Dear Body, I never thought to fill you with the energy of Divine Healing Love and I did not appreciate all you have done for me. I have judged you and found you to be weak, ugly and a betrayer.  Because of you, body, I have had to walk around with a mostly-bald head, no eyelashes or eyebrows (but a few chin-whiskers), only one breast, an extremely weak upper-body, no estrogen, poor memory, watery eyes, bad teeth, difficult veins, and difficulty walking in a straight line.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE.....BIG TIME...click this for an appropopriate song on youtube.........TIME FOR A COOL CHANGE

Now I  know that LOVE HEALS.  Love is ALL THAT IS.  LOVE is the answer to every question.  LOVE is the solution to every problem.  And, as the Beatles liked to say, "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE".  That is one of the great truths of the Universe. The primary "stuff" of the Universe is LOVE, sweet LOVE.

 Click here to play that Beatles Song on Youtube.

I now promise to love you, Dear Body, with all of my heart, with all of my being, with appreciation and gratitude, with gentleness and grace.  With great love for you....and me.

I NEED A BREAK!!!~!

After a period of nearly 2 years of steady chemo treatments, I was starting to feel rather lethargic, where EVERYthing seemed to require way more effort than I wanted to give. I thought that my body was needing a break from chemo, so here's that story... For your entertainment while reading this, click here.  This song reflects how I FEEL while taking a break (of undetermined length) from chemo...

Last month, it was "re-staging" time, which means CT scan (trunk of body) and MRI (brain) to check for "progression".  I sometimes wonder if I could be re-staged to a smaller number, like Zero, but I've been at Stage IV since 2001. I was scheduled for CT on Monday, MRI on Friday, then doctor visit the following Thursday.  Feeling a little test anxiety the morning of my MRI, I called the doctor's office and asked that they tell him that I said, "Please don't make me wait another week to find out the results of my CT scan," so he agreed to see me in between other patients and we had a quick visit that day.  He said that the CT results were good, "which means the chemo is working." I asked, "How do you know it's the chemo and not what I've been doing?"  He replied that there was only one way to do that - to go off of chemo.  I let him know that I was thinking about that, so he had time to think about it before my appointment the following Thursday.

I didn't feel much anxiety about the MRI because, if they find a new brain tumor, the doc calls me the same day...no phone call meant good results. So, at my appointment the following Thursday, I learned that the pelvic tumor had disappeared and all others were stable (no growth), and the bone is showing signs of 'growing back' around the radiated tumor in my spine...best report I've heard in a very long time. This time, the doc said "so the chemo is working ... AND, whatever you're doing".  I then gave my argument for a break and he agreed that I need a break - a hug-deserving moment.  Since we agreed that we probably couldn't agree on the length of the break, we're leaving it as 'undetermined' and I'll go to see him again next week.

So, as Ross screamed to Rachel in a Friends Episode...

WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!

If you're wondering what I've been doing, I've been loving my body...another challenge accepted...and another post to explain that....with greatest love for you.....I love you and thank you for loving me.

Hey CELLS! I'm Talking to YOU.

I decided in a previous post that I would not use the word cancxx any more (except for search engines).  Instead, I am using the word can-can (like the dance).  As always, if something I say doesn't resonate with you and your beliefs, then please just 'put it on the shelf' and move on.  Take what you find useful and leave the rest.

When we assume a physical body, we forget who we really are -- spirit, but a spark of the Divine continues to live within us.  When we remember that we are all one in spirit and that SPIRIT is who we really are, then we know that what happens to one of us human beings has an effect on all of us because of our  spiritual inter-connectedness.  I wonder if the same is true of the cells inside our physical bodies.  When normal, healthy body cells become can-can cells, perhaps they lose the memory of who they really are. I want to help them to remember that they are part of the oneness of this body and that their normal, perfect, healthy functioning as part of the oneness is essential for the continued health,  well-being, and the very life of the body. 

This body is the vehicle my Self has chosen for her journey through this physical lifetime.  It's time for me to realize/KNOW this in every cell of my being. My spirit Self is already fully aware of this. 

CAN-CAN CELLS, this is for you...WAKE UP!  I said WAKE UP!  You have forgotten who you are, who you REALLY are.  I want you to remember who you really are. You have strayed from the perfect Divine plan for you that was part of the original programming for this body.  You were designed to be part of the oneness of this physical body.  You have become detached from source, where the Divine Plan comes from...making up your own plan without realizing the impact is has on the oneness of all the cells of the whole body.

Speaking of 'waking up', click to play MAGGIE MAY on youtube.  I knew that, eventually, this song would end up in one of my posts.  Rod wrote it for me after that delightful summer we spent together in Paris, back in our carefree days of youth.

Okay, CAN-CAN CELLS, I know that you started out as a very diverse group - some were short-lived, some bigger and stronger, some smaller and more delicate, most highly specialized cells.  I know you felt like you were alone, unsupported, as if you weren't part of the larger whole, the oneness of the cells of these organs of this body, to keep it running smoothly and efficiently.  I never thought to fill you with the energy of Divine Healing Love and I did not appreciate all you have done for me when you were functioning normally, according to the original plan.  I've used multiple methods to try to kill you. Is it any wonder that you have forgotten who you really are? Is it any wonder that you don't feel loved?  

BRAIN CELLS, you must be tired from all the intense thinking I've done over the years - always wanting to know WHY and always trying to figure things out.  Always looking for logical solutions to problems, as I did when I was a computer programmer, systems analyst and project manager.  All the nights I laid awake strategizing and analyzing, always analyzing, trying to understand life from a logical/mental perspective instead of a feeling/emotional perspective.  You brain cells worked together to organize the other cells into organs and systems and provide instructions to individual cells.  You kept all the cells working in total cooperation with all other cells, all connected and communicating.  It takes the combined intelligence of each unique cell to support a healthy physical body.  Some of your communication channels have become clogged or tangled up.  It's time for a thorough cleansing.  Open up those clogged channels and remind those immune system cells to do their job. So, WAKE UP, brain cells.  Feel the Divine Healing Love I am feeding you every day.  Use this extra energy to clean up the mess and put things 'back in order.'
IMMUNE SYSTEM CELLS, you must be VERY tired, even confused, from chemo and radiation and can-can.  Many of you have also forgotten who you really are.  And, many of your friends have died, so perhaps you are fearing the same fate.  Perhaps you are hiding your innate magnificence. You seem to no longer recognize can-can cells as invaders - you are denying their existence.  I'm telling you now to WAKE UP - remember who you are and notice those can-can cells and help them to remember who they are.  So many of you have forgotten that you are LOVE and you are part of a beautifully-designed, sublime oneness that cannot continue without your help.  You are much more important than you have given yourself credit for - more important than I have given you credit for. I am filling you with Divine Healing Love every day to strengthen you and to reinforce your will to live.  Like my ego, you have not taken responsibility for your actions and their impact on others.  You have to wake up and resume your normal responsibilities. Clone yourselves to whatever extent is needed - feed and energize yourselves on Divine Healing Love - the greatest power in the Universe.  Remember how each cell, each thread of the tapestry, is an important part of the whole.  OPEN YOUR EYES - carefully scan each cell of this body, reminding all cells of their innate divinity, perfection, love and oneness.  If they just can't remember who they are, then help them to leave via the nearest exist.  You don't have time to argue at length with each one.  Some of them will need to leave, for the good of the whole.  Try to catch them when they are young - that's when they are most easily convinced, when they are more open to change.  Help them to remember who they really are,  And, to re-acquaint them with the perfect, divinely-designed, proper functioning immune system. I am sorry about the harsh treatments you have endured. I don't want to use chemo to do your job any more, but I MUST have your cooperation.  It's time for you to step up to the plate and do your job better than you ever have before.  I am now supporting you with love which I've never done before. I love and accept you exactly where you are today.  I know that, together, we can do better.  We can achieve total remission!  Imagine how good that will feel!  Imagine the look on that doctor's face! I smile just thinking about that.

CAN-CAN CELLS, I trust you to do what I'm asking you to do.  Talk to the next  immune system cell you see, let her remind you of who you really are and the function you were originally designed to perform.  If you simply cannot go back or remember, then I would ask that you be willing to sacrifice your life for the good of the whole - the oneness of this body - and head toward the nearest exit. Invite a new and younger cell to replace you to carry on that function.  I am grateful for the time you have spent here, for the lessons you have helped me to learn, but I don't need you any more.

Click YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL to enjoy Joe Cocker/me singing that song to my cells.

With love and gratitude and appreciation, I am now filling every cell with Divine Healing Love to deliver this message of my intention to heal. Let every cell know and understand the plan for healing, so each can choose to remember its part in the Divine Plan or leave the body.  Every cell, you are strong and healthy, filled with joy and peace, so that you can receive this energy of the highest vibrational frequency possible, raising the entire body's vibration to be totally worthy of Divine Healing Love, physical strength and vibrant health.  You are loved and totally cherished by the REAL ME - the spark of the Divine that thrives in this body. There is nothing more important than loving and healing through love.
Love and blessings to all the trillions of you in this body - every single one!

FEAR - Poetry

 


Anita Moorjani believes that her cancer was caused by fear and I'm sure it played a part in mine as well.  However, I think that my tendency to hold on to hurt feelings and my apparent inability to forgive played an even bigger role than fear, until the point in my life when fear and unforgiveness were pretty evenly matched.  This was when I adopted Gloria Gaynor's song I WILL SURVIVE as my life-theme song.  Click here to enjoy it on youtube.  


I recently found a couple of poems I wrote about 11 years ago, when I was taking a creative writing class. This was soon after my first stage IV diagnosis resulting from a positive biopsy from a rather painful open-lung surgery.  Fear had always been a big part of my life and, at this time, it became a VERY big part of my life. 

I think it's ironic that fear can be a contributing factor to the onset of can-can, yet it is the most common emotion experienced by can-can patients as they anticipate test results, go to medical appointments, receive treatments, experience treatment side-effects, contemplate the ever-possible metastasis and, of course, death. Here are my poems...

Cycle of Terror

Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
Crouched in a corner, my arteries roar.
He opens the door. I recognize him.

My heart propels needles out to my skin.
He taunts me with “Cancer will win this war!”
Tremendous terror taunts and taunts again.

I stand naked and cold in front of him.
He axes my breast to even the score.
I open the door and let him come in.

He rocks me in bed, exhausting my vim.
He invades my sleep. A sob is my snore.
Primeval terror rocks and rocks again.

He steals my present moments, chastising
Me for not finding joy behind the door.
I slam-close the door and, still, he comes in.

I shriek, I shout, I pray and I shove him
Outside. Again, I am slamming the door.
Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
I open the door and recognize him.


Here's the other one....


Fear – a shadowy visitor - knocks on my door

I hear him knocking
I refuse to open the door
He knocks again
And again
And again

I open the door and recognize him
I slam the door in his face
Hoping he will go away
Pretending not to know he’s there
He knocks again
And again
And again

I let him in
I stand naked and cold in front of him
He laughs and says “this could get a lot worse”
I send him on his way and slam the door behind him
He knocks again
And again
And again

He waits for me to close my eyes
Stays with me through sunless days
Lays awake with me at night
Steals away my present moments
Blinds me to a future of infinite possibilities
I let him in again and again

I hear another knocking at the door
My dark companion blocks my path
Doesn’t want to share me
Feeds on my energy
The voice behind the door says
“I am always with you”
I’ve heard this voice before
I allow the light of love to come in
My arms reach out
I inhale the promise of eternal love
It fills me with strength, hope and dreams

Hey Chemo! I'm Talking to YOU

Hey Chemo! I'm talking to you!  What are you? Cells? Molecules? Atoms? Blobs? Soldiers? Witches' Brew? Drugs? Nuclear weapons? Syrupy Liquid? Whatever you are - we need to talk.  I understand that many very smart brains have worked very hard to develop and test your formulation. I think those scientists and doctors are doing the very best they can to "fight the war" they feel they are fighting against this disease called cancer, along with the cooperation of those brave souls/cancer patients who participate in clinical trials.  It appears that cancer is a formidable enemy.  I don't even like to give that word the energy required to say it or type it.  

How about can-can?  Like the dance.  I'll call it can-can.

We humans can be a war-like culture, always involved in conflicts of some kind evidenced by the fact that we have multiple wars going on  at once -- a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on poverty, a war on can-can -- you name it, we'll wage a war against it.  

That makes me think of a song. Here's a quick diversion. We never, ever do nothin' nice-n-easy.  We always do it nice-n-ROUGH.  Click to listen to Proud Mary on youtube.

As I was saying, I want to talk to you, chemo, about making a different arrangement - a different agreement - so that we are not enemies, so that you are my ally, supporter, helper, healer, and friend.  I want you to meet my can-can.  I want you to search out can-can cells and blobs in my body.  Please start by taking one of the can-can cells by the hand and saying, "Do you remember who you are?  I am here to help you remember who you really are."  If they can't remember the original reason for their existence (like being a healthy lung or liver cell), then simply escort them to the nearest exit.  If they do remember, help them with a make-over to restore them to their natural, perfectly Divine beauty and function.



Some medical people choose to view chemo as poison and have told me so very matter-of-factly while aiming the needle into my vein.  To quote, "You know this is poison going into your veins, don't you?"  As if my beautiful computer-designed stickers that say "Divine Healing Love" and "Love Potion No. 9" stuck to the IV apparatus are feeble attempts to deny the reality of it all.  In the eyes of can-can, chemo is poison.  In the test tube, it kills can-can cells.  It also kills a few other cells in the body and I'm sure the hope is that, like arsenic used to treat heart-worm in dogs, the chemo kills the can-can before it kills the patient.  It kinda makes me feel like I'm "living on the edge".

I cannot discount the efforts of all the people who have worked so hard to make chemo a reality.  Many people's lives have been saved or extended with these powerful drugs. Others' lives have ended - I especially honor those people.  

I am choosing to view chemo as Divine Healing Love, aka Love Potion No. 9, coined by my dear friend, Vicki. Click to listen to Love Potion No. 9 on youtube

I just LOVE that there's a song out there for EVERYthing!!  I use my imagination (imagery) to see the light of Divine Healing Love pouring down through the ceiling and infusing the liquid in the IV bag with a brilliant white or rainbow light.  Every drop of chemo is infused with that light.  I see it flow down the tubing and enter into one of my veins.  From there, it spreads first to every blood cell of my blood, then to every cell of my body - every organ, blood vessel, muscle, nerve, bone, brain, lungs w/bronchial tubes, glands and all my other parts.  Soon, my body is glowing with the energy of Divine Healing Love.  Once all my cells are filled up, the energy radiates out from my body to fill up first the Cancer Center and all who are present there, then out to the rest of the hospital, spreading the high frequency vibration of Divine Healing Love to everyone nearby - patients and workers both.

Breathing - Thich Nhat Hahn

✣ ...Breathe and you know you are alive.

Breathe and you know that all is helping you.
Breathe and you know that you are the world.
Breathe and you know that the flower is breathing too.
Breathe for yourself and you breathe for the world.

Breathe in compassion and breathe out joy.

Breathe and be one with the air that you breathe.
Breathe and be one with the river that flows.
Breathe and be one with the earth that you tread.
Breathe and be one with the fire that glows.
Breathe and you break the thought of birth and death.
Breathe and you see that impermanence is life.

Breathe for your joy to be steady and calm.
Breathe for your sorrow to flow away.
Breathe to renew every cell in your blood.
Breathe to renew the depths of consciousness.
Breathe and you dwell in the here and now.
Breathe and all you touch is new and real.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~ ♥

Written by a Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk....

Decisions 1997

I wrote this a few years ago, with minor changes today...

Decisions, decisions, so many decisions to make and none of the choices are desirable.  After my breast biopsy (1997), my surgeon said that, since she didn’t get “clear margins” around the edges of the tumor, she didn’t know how big my tumor was, that there was still cancer in my breast and that an additional surgery would be required to remove the rest of the tumor and determine its actual size.  She could perform a lumpectomy, but if the margins were still not clear or if the tumor was of sufficient size, a mastectomy would then be required.  So, I needed to decide whether I wanted to have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy.  If I chose mastectomy, then I also needed to decide if I wanted to have reconstructive surgery at the same time.  Feeling like I needed another choice, I asked “What if I don’t have any surgery at all?”  My doctor then reminded me that I was facing a potentially life-threatening situation. 

So, it looked to me like my only options were:

1) Mastectomy

2) Lumpectomy, possibly followed by mastectomy (2 surgeries)

3) Die from cancer

None of these options were acceptable to me and I desperately wanted another option.  I searched the internet and the library to find something else – anything – that would not involve being unconscious or feeling mutilated. 

I was so consumed by fear that I could not even see the fear, nor could I see beyond it.  At the time, I thought I was being very rational and dealing with things in a level-headed, logical, unemotional way, saying to people that I had “accepted” the cancer and was now ready to deal with it. 

Hindsight being what it is, I now know that I was afraid of having surgery period.  I can tolerate a lot of physical pain, but the idea of being unconscious (out of control) for any amount of time was a very deep-seated fear of mine.  And so, I allowed this fear of being unconscious to team up with the fear of dying and decided that I wanted to minimize the number of possible surgeries, so I chose mastectomy. Then, I had to decide if I wanted to have reconstructive surgery at the same time as the mastectomy.  I chose NOT to have reconstruction.  I was thinking that there was no point to that, especially if I was going to die.

MSo, I had a mastectomy with lymph node dissection.  There were clear margins on the mastectomy, but I had 4 out of 6 positive lymph nodes. 

Marianne Williamson recommends that, when we have a decision or choice to make, it is best to do so when motivated by love rather than by fear.  I don't remember which of her books I read that in. Debbie Ford, in the book THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, says that, one of the questions we should ask when making a decision, is “Is this an act of faith or an act of fear?”  When we act out of faith or love, we are standing on a much stronger foundation than when we act or choose out of fear.  Fear blocks the flow of energy toward healing.  Faith/love allows us to surrender our fears and the need for the illusion that we have control over the future – or that we have control over anything.   Fear or faith/love?  

When my oncologist said I needed chemotherapy treatments, I struggled with the fear or faith decision.  It was a very difficult decision to make.  I believe in natural healing methods and didn’t see the logic of attacking my immune system when it was trying to fight off cancer.  It was hard for me to believe that the chemo was going to be good for my body.  My loved ones were afraid I would choose not to do treatments and die from cancer.  I was afraid of the potential side effects of the treatments.  Looking back at that time in my life, I think I chose chemo out of fear – fear that I would die if I didn’t do it, fear of disappointing others who might say I didn’t fight the battle I should have, fear that my belief in natural healing methods might be misplaced.  Even with the decision to go with chemo, the fear of the side effects was very strong – either way, I was gripped by fear.  And then, once I started the treatments, I became more afraid of dying from the chemo than I was afraid of dying from the cancer – so, I had a definite fear of death with or without treatment.  It would have been a more powerful choice if I had made it because I strongly believed that the treatment was the best choice for my healing, not because of my fear.  I wasn’t able to do that then.  Fear was the over-riding, over-powering emotion in my life and in the lives of those around me.  Fear was the higher power I surrendered to. I wasn’t even close to dealing with my fear of death at that time. I've learned a lot since then.

Chemo Decision

CHEMO - to do it or not to do it?  Anita Moorjani did it, even though she knew she was healed.  I don't think Wayne Dyer did it, but he KNOWS he is healed.  When I was first diagnosed 1997, I did chemo because I was just plain scared and because my family members said they wanted me to do it because if I died without doing it, then I wouldn't have done ALL I COULD DO to 'fight' the cancer.  

Although I thought it was important to believe that chemo would actually help me, I just couldn't convince myself because it made no sense to me.  I was voluntarily putting poison into my body, which pretty much destroys the immune system, and the immune system is the best tool (natural healing) to get rid of the disease, so I never actually did believe it.  After I was done with chemo, I decided that I would NEVER do it again - because of the poison factor and because I never wanted to feel that sick again.

Over time, with some degrees of healing, I decided that the only circumstances under which I would do chemo would be if it would make me feel better.  Before that time, I had never heard of it helping anyone to feel better. Soon after that decision, I talked with 2 different people who told me that chemo had helped them to feel better.  I was shocked!  So, then I decided that if I couldn't breathe and someone told me chemo would help, then I would do it.  Breathing is the most essential function of this physical body.  

So, guess what happened?  I had a tumor in one of my bronchial tubes that totally blocked off one of the lobes in my lung.  I was coughing and short of breath and had surgery that removed only part of the tumor from the inside of my bronchial tube - a chunk of it was still outside of my bronchial tube.  Although there were other tumors in my body that were 'stable', that one kept growing and I agreed to do chemo, but told the doctor that my quality of life was very important and that I didn't want to be as sick as I had been in '97 because I had an extremely poor  quality of life at that time.  And, I have no desire to live that way again - ever.  

In 97-98, I spent all my time in a reclining position - on the couch mostly.  My white blood cell count was dangerously low, which made me susceptible to infections (potentially lethal), and I was advised against going out in public.  I also had several chemo treatments cancelled/postponed because of the low blood count (psychologically & emotionally difficult).  I had no energy, no appetite and lots of nausea - and no fun - for about 6-7 months.  

I have been on some form of chemo now for 15 months.  Oncologist strategy - as long as a treatment seems to be working (no new tumors, no growth of existing tumors), just keep doing it.  If the disease progresses, change the treatment.  I have been able to relax and meditate during treatments, visualizing the chemo as healing energy zapping tumors.  

So far, my quality of life has not suffered too much due to various drugs used to counteract the side effects.  Baldness is not painful and chemo brain and other minor side effects can be tolerated. How can you tell if memory problems are due to age, lack of estrogen or chemo? I still practice and teach yoga and participate in as many social activities as I want.  I am enJOYing my life now more than I ever have and am grateful for every day I wake up in the morning.  I also practice healing visualizations and lead 2 guided imagery groups, which feeds my spirit in a way that feels really good to me.  It's hard to find clipart on this subject.

De-Frazzle: Thinking New Thoughts

You know, all of life is thinking! No matter what you are doing, or not doing, you are thinking. You thoughts shape your life! This is why it is so important that we all learn to take control of our thinking. Our thoughts create our experiences...Louise Hay

There's my favorite Maxine cartoon.  Don't believe everything you think.  Have you ever found out that something you were thinking just wasn't true/correct?  Like when people thought the world was flat?  Or, perhaps you thought someone was angry with you when they were just having a bad day?  Or, perhaps you thought you were falling in love but it turned out to be just a crush?  Have you ever found yourself acting on an ASSumption that you found out later had no truth in it whatsoever?  



Consequently, we can see that, just because we think something doesn't mean that it's true.  


I have come to believe that TRUTH is a very personal thing.  The best example I can see for this is different religious beliefs - people tend to think "My way is the right way or the only way or mine is the absolute TRUTH".  How can it be possible that only one of these 'ways' is right/true and all the rest are wrong/false?  I know that what is true for me may or may not be true for you, so it's important for me to open my mind to other thoughts and ideas.  There might be some ideas out there that FEEL more true to me than what's already in my head and I'll never know that if I don't purposefully seek out new ideas and entertain new and different thoughts. This is especially true if the thoughts I've been thinking are making me feel bad.  I much prefer thoughts that make me FEEL GOOD.  

This is me FEELING GOOD

Since a repeated thought can become a belief, my goal is to repeat only thoughts that feel good and healing.  Healing is pretty high on my list of priorities and I know that I am responsible for making myself feel good.  


Science tells us that we each have about 50-60,000 thoughts PER DAY.  That's about one thought per second if we're awake for 16 hours in a day.  How could anyone actually count that?  I don't know, but I do know there is  a way to 'monitor' my thinking.  It's by noticing how I'm FEELING.  Science also tells us that our feelings are a direct response to our thoughts.  Following in this logical train, then...

IF I FEEL BAD (sad, angry, worried, fearful, depressed)

AND my feeling is a response to my thoughts...
THEN I can change how I'm feeling by changing what I'm thinking.  Now, that's something to think about!


How do I know when it's time to change what I'm thinking?  It's when I FEEL bad!  So, I need to pay attention to how I feel!  That's not really hard to do.  
Then, HOW DO I CHANGE WHAT I'M THINKING??????

Well, who is in control of what I think?  Only one person - ME.  Here's one way to change my thinking/thoughts - use DISTRACTION.  Direct my thinking toward something different.  There are so many ways to do this.... for example:

• make a phone call
• read a book
• watch a movie
• meditate
• plan a social event
• write in your journal
• play a computer game or solitaire
• work on a word or number puzzle
• go for a walk/exercise
• pray for help to change the thought and feeling
• MOVE AROUND AND DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Here's another way to change my thinking/thoughts - use THOUGHT SUBSTITUTION.  It is just what it sounds like....Substitute one thought for another.  This requires a little planning ahead, but once you've used it, you'll want to expand on it, use it even more often and have fun with it (perhaps - at least that's what's been true for me).  

Knowing that ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE in my imagination, I like to see how imaginative and creative I can be in making up "happy thoughts" and "remembering happy times" and storing them in my imaginary treasure chest, which must be in my mind somewhere. Then, I can open my imaginary treasure chest and retrieve a thought, image or memory that I know ALWAYS makes me feel good.  If it doesn't feel good, I have the power to change or discard it.  It makes me feel really powerful!

Treasure chest of good-feeling thoughts & memories

So, I have filled up my treasure chest with MEMORIES that make me feel good, like...

• my daughter's wedding celebration
• my own wedding
• holding a precious child
• seeing the smile on that child's face
• hearing the giggle while seeing the smile
• feeling that sense of accomplishment when  I decided to quit my job
• feeling the excitement of swimming with a dolphin
• breathing in the beauty of nature (so many of these awesome memories) with the wind - using all my senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell)

Get the idea?  Take some time with a memory and really get into the feelings of that moment, write it down, talk about it with yourself or others, expand it, exaggerate it, look at photos, draw pictures, use all your senses... Do whatever it takes to firmly implant the good feelings of the memory in your treasure chest, leaving it ready to retrieve on a moment's notice.  Then, you can substitute the feel-good memory for the bad-feeling thought and the good feeling will come. If the memory does not FEEL GOOD when you retrieve it because you have associated a bad feeling with it, then either change the memory (embellishment is fine in our own imagination) so it DOES feel good or take it out of your treasure chest so you don't try to use it again. This really does get easier with practice.  You can do the same with your good-feeling thoughts.

Since there's no actual size limits, I have also filled up my treasure chest with GOOD-FEELING THOUGHTS and SCENARIOS (not actual memories, although they do slip in there sometimes) that always make me smile, like...

• a scene where my higher self or guardian angel shines a light on my negative thought and makes it disappear, then replaces it and fills my being with light, warmth, comfort and divine healing love (breathing it in to every cell)
• seeing and feeling my body performing the Sun Salutation (yoga) with perfect strength and breathing
• inspiring songs to sing, like Gloria Gaynor's I WILL SURVIVE and Helen Ready's I AM WOMAN
• the shocked look and big smile on my oncologist's face when he says the word "REMISSION" and it reverberates/echoes in my mind over and over again
• my victory dance - jumping for joy
• taking flight on a dragon's back to "soak up" the beauty of nature
• chemo droplets destroying individual cancer cells
• painting beautiful landscapes and humorous faces
• imagining that my heart is sending love to every other being on the planet and that we are all connected with love.  With this loving connection, we can bring light to areas of darkness, and transform despair to hope, disease to perfect health, conflict to peace, poverty to abundance, hunger to nutritious meals, and so much more.

There are no limits to what we can imagine!  We are so fortunate to have such powerful thoughts.  We must be able to do lots of healing work with them.  Again, this is what is true for me.  I love my treasure chest of GOOD FEELINGS!  How about you?


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