Self-Love

I have come to believe that self-love is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to the process of healing. All other love grows from self-love. Without self-love, there is little motivation to heal, there is no impelling Will to Live.

Anita Moorjani (DYING TO BE ME), Louise Hay (YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE), Barbra White (MAGNIFICENT YOU) and others have written about the importance of self-love, especially in healing. It can feel like an impossible task if the idea is foreign to you. I'm speaking from my own experience. I read about it years ago, I included it in presentations and in advising healing clients. I could not stress to them enough the magnitude of the importance of self-love. I facilitated a journaling group for a few years and we would always have the 'homework' of performing at least one act of loving self-care per week (and reporting back to the group). I started talking about (and even journaling about) self-love 16 years ago. I understood from a logical/mental standpoint that self-love was essential to healing; yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought "It's okay. I can skip that part. It's not THAT important."  I could not have been more wrong!!!

I read Anita Moorjani's book the same week I watched Wayne Dyer on Oprah and I remember him saying something like "I am God. We all are. We DESERVE self-love." Those two events made the light bulb finally turn on - I really DO need to love myself if I expect to heal through this cancer experience. 

I started by opening my heart to everyone I knew and everyone I saw. I talked of love to myself in the mirror (I could never do this before). I gave suggestions of self-love in all my guided imagery sessions. Guided imagery, even when I'm the guide, is the best meditation I've ever experienced. I read Barbra White's MAGNIFICENT YOU and that really helped me to understand that it IS possible to love oneself. And, I experienced Self-Acceptance Healing with Barbra White. I had judged myself very harshly and believed that I did not deserve to be loved - by anyone, especially not by myself. I had no idea what love really feels like. LOVE is amazing and magical. LOVE is everyone and everything - and I am part of that. I AM love. We all are love. Wayne Dyer says there is a spark of the Divine in each of us.  We are at once totally Divine and totally human. The Divine part is who we REALLY are.  The human part is pretty much an illusion we have created to exist in the physical dimension.

Click here to experience a wonderful 3-minute experience in feeling loved.  It's a video called "A Love Letter to You From the Universe"  by Gisele Frederich.

Self-love is about allowing myself to be who I really am - the Universe currently expressing itself as a human being (I think Wayne Dyer said that). It's about accepting that I am also human with all my human eccentricities, imperfections and emotions - both negative and positive - with an attitude of compassion and love in place of judgment and criticism. It's about making sure that my needs are fulfilled, that my voice is heard, that I communicate my truth from my heart and that I AM LOVE in thought, word and action.  It's about "giving myself a break" from the stress of always striving for perfection. It's about believing that I am lovable just because I exist (thank you, Anita Moorjani). 

Self-love is about loving myself the way I would love my own child. I remember when my daughter, Erin, was little, and I had said something like, "I will always love you, no matter what."  She asked if I would still love her if she was mean to me.  I said, "yes".  Then, she asked if I would still love her if she was punching me and I again replied in the affirmative. Then she asked if I would still love her if she was stabbing me with a knife, trying to kill me.  After some thought, I realized that the answer was yes. That's what "no matter what" means.  I certainly wouldn't be happy or enjoy it, but I would still love her.  This is the kind of love I am giving to myself and it has totally changed who I am.

Here is a challenge for you: write in your journal (or just make a plan for) what you will do for yourself today or tomorrow that is an act of loving self-care, a demonstration of self-love. It's a great way to start on the path to totally unconditional self-love. With much love from my heart to yours ♥ Mellifluous Mega-Magnificent Maggie McDee ♥

De-Frazzle: Journaling

The unexamined life is not worth living...Socrates

The best way I know of to examine one’s life is to write in a journal. Journaling has been, and continues to be, of tremendous help to me on my healing journey.  It allows me to remove the clutter in my thoughts and feelings – to get them out of my brain and onto paper - where I may be able to observe them from a different perspective.  It helps me to see myself and my life more clearly. It facilitates communication with my Higher Self.  It helps me to get the answers to my questions about myself.  It is my key to self-discovery and self-knowing. My journal is my sounding board, my friend and confidant, my life preserver, and my healing room. This examination of my thoughts and feelings increases my awareness of unhealthy thinking patterns and erroneous beliefs, so I can then choose to change them. 

CONFIDENTIALITY: If you wish to start journaling, I suggest you buy a new journal that appeals to you and call it your healing journal.  If you are concerned about anyone else reading your journal, then find a way to keep it well-hidden.  If you don’t want others reading it after you have passed on, then burn it when you’re finished with it or make it a stipulation in your will that you want your journal burned; or, make sure a trusted friend will take care of it for you.  If you prefer to journal on your computer and are concerned about others reading it, then password-protect your document.  In any case, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you have no concern about others reading what you write – you must be totally comfortable writing anything you wish in your private healing journal. 

APPROACHES: There are many possible approaches to journaling, so I will suggest a couple that I like to use.  I start by getting relaxed and sitting in a comfortable position, breathing deeply.  Being consciously aware of each breath, I close my eyes and imagine that I am in a place of beauty and safety.  Then, I set my intention to be in contact with my Higher Self (AKA inner teacher, soul, spirit, guide, angel, etc.) asking that my Higher Self reveal herself through my writing.  If this is not comfortable for you, just sit down and start writing whatever is in your mind.

MAKE A LIST.  This is simply what it is.  Make a list of whatever comes into your mind, like "advantages of chemo" or "things I love about myself..."  or "things that make me smile" or "What I've accomplished in my life"  or "things that made me smile today" or "things I want to remember about this season" or "what I want to accomplish in my life" or "people that I love", etc. The list of things that you can write lists about is endless.  One that feels particularly good is to make a list of five things, people, events, etc. in your life that you are grateful for - and write this list at the end of each day.  Think of new items to add from the day's events.  Make sure at least two items are things about YOU that you are grateful for.  The expression of gratitude on a regular basis can make a big, positive difference in one's outlook on life.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS writing can help you to move past your conscious thinking mind.  This is done by writing, without stopping, for at least 20 minutes at a time.  Just write whatever words are in your mind, without stopping to compose before writing, without stopping to make corrections, or for any reason.  Even if you have to write “I can’t think of anything to write,” don’t let the pen stop writing. Try this daily for a couple of weeks and see what happens.  This is a way of "priming the well", getting your writing "muscles" in shape.  It's also a way to lighten what feels like a burden of heavy thoughts weighing you down, especially those pesky repetitive thoughts. If you find yourself repeating yourself, then ask for some new, more productive or positive thoughts you can use to replace the old, negative thoughts.  

Another method is to...
WRITE A QUESTION, and then pause for a moment to listen for the answer, writing down whatever comes into your mind.  Or, better yet, after writing the question, move the pen into your non-dominant hand, then listen for the answer (you won't hear an actual voice) and write down whatever comes into your mind, without analyzing it.  This switches which side of your brain you're thinking with. Then, read it to see if it makes sense to you.  A question can be on any subject, like "why do I feel so exhausted today?" or "What makes me feel better when I'm feeling down?" or "Why did I react that way to...?"  WHY seems to be the most frequent question I ask myself, which I'm sure started when I was a small child.

WRITE A STORY.  Try this - write the story that describes the most joyful moment of your life. Use your senses to include every detail you can remember – the setting, the weather, what you were wearing, the people who were present, sounds, words, fragrance or taste, the emotions you experienced. Now, close your eyes and relax, replaying every detail of that memory in your mind. Re-live those joyful feelings as if it were happening again, right now. ENJOY the memory. Don’t allow your brain to insert any negative thoughts that might spoil your enjoyment.  Stay focused on the joy as long as you wish. Then, the next time you’re feeling down, bring yourself back to that joyful memory and repeat this exercise to see if it will lift your mood.


If your story has an unhappy ending, as the writer, you can change that. Imagine a different, perfect ending - one that helps you to FEEL BETTER.  It's not like you're writing for an audience that is going to judge the accuracy of what you write.  Or, write a whole new story that's totally fictional that just MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.  Or, write the story of what you and your life will be like when you are totally healed.  Embellish it with as many details as you can IMAGINE - use all your senses to give your story more "life". FEEL GOOD about your story.

Clustering – Begin by choosing a word you want to write about.  Write it in the center of the page, then write down every word that comes to mind.  Write down words even if they don’t make sense and even words that seem odd or silly.  You can work in a circular fashion.  Keep concentrating on doing this and you’ll feel a shift in your consciousness as words just occur to you.  Write them down quickly before the judge censors them.  Notice how one word leads to another. Sometimes, your mind will jump to a more concrete word or an unexpected one.  Draw lines from one word to another as your thought moves from one to the other.  Do the clustering in whatever way works for you.  Later, you can use Stream of Consciousness writing from the ideas or feelings that emerge from the cluster and see what new thoughts arise.  Here is a typed example, for ease of reading.  I started with the word NOW and 'clustered' around it.

I often write prayers and affirmations in my journal. I believe that writing things down makes them more real, more concrete, more achievable, more believable.  My favorite affirmation now is I AM PEACEFUL. I AM JOYFUL. I AM VERY STRONG AND HEALTHY. 

Sources: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Stirring the Waters by Janell Moon
Journaling for Joy by Joyce Chapman

Go Back to De-Frazzle Page  

Beliefs-4

This is part 4 of a series of posts on Beliefs.  It would be helpful to read the first 3 before reading this one.  You can click on the links here...


Beliefs-1           Beliefs-2            Beliefs-3


FIRST, IDENTIFY AN ERRONEOUS BELIEF.  Again, a belief is simply a thought that has been repeated until it becomes a part of who I am.  It can become unconscious (unknown to my conscious mind), yet it influences my decisions and actions, often resulting in emotional pain-frustration, anger, sadness, etc.  It is when I am FEELING one of these emotions that I can look for the belief that is behind the feeling.




The photo above is me, with steam coming out of my ears...obviously, feeling something that is NOT making me smile.  So, it's easy to notice when I'm feeling any negative emotion(s).  Using my journal, meditation, prayer and/or talking with a friend (or therapist or spiritual director), I stand back and look at myself, asking the question, "What is the belief I have that is fueling this emotion?"  Sometimes, the answer seems obvious: other times, it requires more time and thought.  Remember that long list of negative beliefs from Beliefs-1? It has taken me 15 years to find some of these beliefs and I have a feeling there may be more that are still hidden in my unconscious/subconscious mind.  It is no longer necessary for me to understand where or how the belief originated, only that I have the belief, that I've been acting on it and I've been experiencing negative emotion(s) as a result.  Being a solution-oriented person, I want to figure out how to FEEL BETTER.  I have come to believe that healing is all about feeling better. So, what next?  How do I change or eliminate this erroneous belief? 


FIND PROOF THAT THE BELIEF IS WRONG/ERRONEOUS.  My best example of this was the belief about my cancer being a death sentence (see  Beliefs-3 ).  I was able to see that at least two people had proven that belief to be wrong by their "miraculous" healings.  Sometimes, that's all that is needed - proof that someone has shown this belief to be false.  If it's not possible to prove the belief is wrong, then I need to.... 


DECIDE WHAT I WOULD RATHER BELIEVE. This would be composing an affirmation or two that FEELS BETTER than the erroneous belief. Its purpose is to REPLACE the  negative belief with a positive one. Using my previous example, possible affirmations might be:

• If other people can do it, so can I
• I AM healing my entire being every moment of every day
• I AM feeling better every day
• I AM a living miracle
• I AM deserving of perfect health in body, mind and spirit
• I AM perfect health in body, mind and spirit
• I AM peaceful, I AM joyful, I AM very strong and healthy (I made this into a song that I often sing out loud or just hum)

REPEAT. REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT...replacing the negative belief with a more positive, life-enhancing belief.  I AM is the most powerful phrase in the Universe, so any sentence that begins with these words contains some very powerful energy.  Louise Hay and many other authors suggest affirmations for virtually any situation.  I have to "try them on" and determine what FEELS best for me.  Making up songs to fill my thoughts when I'm not concentrating on anything else works very well for me.  Saying/singing/writing affirmations can be thought of as a type of prayer.


YOUR BODY BELIEVES EVERY WORD YOU SAY by Barbara Levine & Bernie Seigel is a great book on this topic.  Click Amazon Link to see it on Amazon.com.  


I digress shortly to tell you the story of a massage client I had once who would come to see me every week and complained of a "pain in her neck".  I tried every known massage technique, but her story was always the same, "It felt better for a couple of days, but the pain came back again."  Since this was in the early days of my massage therapy practice, I was frustrated that none of the techniques I tried with her had a lasting effect.  One day, she finally said to me, "that pain in my neck is gone" and I was very relieved, but couldn't attribute her progress to my techniques, since I hadn't done anything new.  During the massage, she told me that she had just been separated from her husband and we  agreed that she had gotten rid of her "pain in the neck".  Although we joked about it, I'm sure there was some element of truth in that.  I sometimes get a pain in my hip/glute area and always blame it on  my husband, claiming that he is my "pain in the ass" :-)


I know that words carry an energy or vibration that can be very powerful. I have talked about how repetitive negative thoughts (words) can become negative beliefs. Logically then, it makes sense that repeated POSITIVE thoughts become positive beliefs, resulting in more positive thoughts, which result in more positive emotions (remember that thoughts influence emotions); thus, FEELING BETTER - or healing.  


And, who is in control of my thoughts? ME and ONLY ME.  And, who is in control of my emotions?  ME and ONLY ME.  That is a big responsibility when I think about it.  It's much easier to blame someone else for what I think or how I feel.


I'm sure that my beliefs color my perception of events, people, the world and EVERYTHING I perceive.  What proves this to me is that, given identical circumstances, two people can have totally different (even opposite) responses.  If my husband bought me some flowers, I might perceive it as a spontaneous act of love and respond with loving gratitude while someone else might perceive it as an apology and respond with suspicion - same circumstance, very different responses.


ASK FOR HELP.  This is another method I often use to help remove negative beliefs and/or emotions.  I pray for Divine help and offer the willingness to surrender my need to hold onto that belief or emotion that is making me feel bad.  Again, healing is all about feeling better. 


This is the pattern that I have noticed in myself, using the example of the belief that I am responsible for other people's anger...

• A thought is repeated (my behavior caused someone else to be angry - it's all my fault)
• Belief is formed (if someone else is angry, I am responsible - I need to fix it - I need to make other people happy to keep them from getting angry)
• I set my intention to STOP and THINK when someone speaks to me in an angry voice.  
• I NOTICE when this happens (red flag in my head).
• I remind myself that I am NOT responsible for other people's anger.
• I give myself a chance to CHOOSE to respond differently. 
• I take responsibility for my own feelings because I know they come from inside of me.

I'm not saying that changing a core belief is an easy thing to do, especially if I've been "living by it" for most of my life.  But I know that it IS possible.  And, if a belief is a result of a repetitious thought, then I can CHOOSE to repeat positive, healing thoughts more often.  It takes repeated practice and loving patience with myself.  

I think I've said enough about beliefs for now.  It seemed like an important topic to start with.  I know that I cannot change other people, or even inspire them to do so.  I can only change myself.  I am a work in process - in the process of healing.  Sometimes, I'm a slow learner, but I've been working on it for a few years.


I love Maxine's feelings on this topic...and she's not just funny, she's RIGHT.  Just because I think something doesn't mean that it's true.

Have you made any changes to your beliefs?  If so, how did you do it?  There are probably easier ways than how I have done it.  

Wishing you joy and peace,

Maggie McDee

Beliefs-1

This is the first post in a series about Beliefs.  I have been paying close attention to what I say when I talk to myself, observing how I treat myself.  I believe that, if I use loving words and convey loving feelings toward my "personality" being (body, mind and emotions), then I will feel better than if I speak to myself with criticism, judgment or contempt.  So, paying attention to my thoughts is my new 'hobby'.  Psychologists say that our feelings are a direct result of our thoughts.  And, beliefs are merely thoughts that we repeat over and over.  So, if I think that I am not worthy, that I am not lovable, that I do not deserve to have perfect health, that I am disappointing to myself or others, and I keep repeating those 'toxic' thoughts, they eventually become 'toxic' beliefs.  Beliefs can be really hard to change, especially when we are not aware that they exist and that we act on them constantly.  I think that this is the most important area in which changes need to occur in order to heal.  I have found beliefs that I didn't even know I had - and realized that I was unconsciously living my life by them.  Here are some of the erroneous beliefs I have found in myself:

• I am not worthy...
• I am not good enough...
• I do not deserve...
• If I am perfect, then I will be approved of and loved
• Approval from others is of utmost importance and must be achieved
• Others' opinions and needs are more important than my own
• It is selfish to love myself
• My feelings, opinions and passions are not important, so I must suppress them to the point that I don't even know what they are
• A stage IV breast cancer diagnosis is a death sentence.  (If they had a Stage V, they would call it 'death'.)
• Love means sacrificing who I am to make other people happy
• God is a mean, vengeful, egotistical, maniacal being who has unreasonable expectations and doles out extreme punishment because he is easily offended - he must be feared
• God and love are the same thing [a good belief, I think, but not in light of the beliefs above about love and God]
• My instincts are not reliable
• Emotions should never be expressed, especially anger or any other 'negative' emotion
• Forgiveness is a sign of weakness
• Obsessive thoughts about worry, guilt, anger and fear are normal 

These are some of the big ones I've discovered through years of journaling, meditating, reading, journaling, therapy, energetic healing and thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking and more thinking.  Here are some wonderful books that have been of tremendous help to me in this area.  

• YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE & related workbook by Louise Hay
• THE ARTIST'S WAY by Julia Cameron
• THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz
• THE DANCE OF ANGER by Harriet Lerner
• CANCER AS A TURNING POINT by Lawrence LeShan

I will continue this topic later.  The morning is slipping away quickly.  Time for breakfast.  Enjoy this beautiful day - it is a gift.

To continue reading this topic, click Beliefs-2