Decisions 1997

I wrote this a few years ago, with minor changes today...

Decisions, decisions, so many decisions to make and none of the choices are desirable.  After my breast biopsy (1997), my surgeon said that, since she didn’t get “clear margins” around the edges of the tumor, she didn’t know how big my tumor was, that there was still cancer in my breast and that an additional surgery would be required to remove the rest of the tumor and determine its actual size.  She could perform a lumpectomy, but if the margins were still not clear or if the tumor was of sufficient size, a mastectomy would then be required.  So, I needed to decide whether I wanted to have a mastectomy or a lumpectomy.  If I chose mastectomy, then I also needed to decide if I wanted to have reconstructive surgery at the same time.  Feeling like I needed another choice, I asked “What if I don’t have any surgery at all?”  My doctor then reminded me that I was facing a potentially life-threatening situation. 

So, it looked to me like my only options were:

1) Mastectomy

2) Lumpectomy, possibly followed by mastectomy (2 surgeries)

3) Die from cancer

None of these options were acceptable to me and I desperately wanted another option.  I searched the internet and the library to find something else – anything – that would not involve being unconscious or feeling mutilated. 

I was so consumed by fear that I could not even see the fear, nor could I see beyond it.  At the time, I thought I was being very rational and dealing with things in a level-headed, logical, unemotional way, saying to people that I had “accepted” the cancer and was now ready to deal with it. 

Hindsight being what it is, I now know that I was afraid of having surgery period.  I can tolerate a lot of physical pain, but the idea of being unconscious (out of control) for any amount of time was a very deep-seated fear of mine.  And so, I allowed this fear of being unconscious to team up with the fear of dying and decided that I wanted to minimize the number of possible surgeries, so I chose mastectomy. Then, I had to decide if I wanted to have reconstructive surgery at the same time as the mastectomy.  I chose NOT to have reconstruction.  I was thinking that there was no point to that, especially if I was going to die.

MSo, I had a mastectomy with lymph node dissection.  There were clear margins on the mastectomy, but I had 4 out of 6 positive lymph nodes. 

Marianne Williamson recommends that, when we have a decision or choice to make, it is best to do so when motivated by love rather than by fear.  I don't remember which of her books I read that in. Debbie Ford, in the book THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, says that, one of the questions we should ask when making a decision, is “Is this an act of faith or an act of fear?”  When we act out of faith or love, we are standing on a much stronger foundation than when we act or choose out of fear.  Fear blocks the flow of energy toward healing.  Faith/love allows us to surrender our fears and the need for the illusion that we have control over the future – or that we have control over anything.   Fear or faith/love?  

When my oncologist said I needed chemotherapy treatments, I struggled with the fear or faith decision.  It was a very difficult decision to make.  I believe in natural healing methods and didn’t see the logic of attacking my immune system when it was trying to fight off cancer.  It was hard for me to believe that the chemo was going to be good for my body.  My loved ones were afraid I would choose not to do treatments and die from cancer.  I was afraid of the potential side effects of the treatments.  Looking back at that time in my life, I think I chose chemo out of fear – fear that I would die if I didn’t do it, fear of disappointing others who might say I didn’t fight the battle I should have, fear that my belief in natural healing methods might be misplaced.  Even with the decision to go with chemo, the fear of the side effects was very strong – either way, I was gripped by fear.  And then, once I started the treatments, I became more afraid of dying from the chemo than I was afraid of dying from the cancer – so, I had a definite fear of death with or without treatment.  It would have been a more powerful choice if I had made it because I strongly believed that the treatment was the best choice for my healing, not because of my fear.  I wasn’t able to do that then.  Fear was the over-riding, over-powering emotion in my life and in the lives of those around me.  Fear was the higher power I surrendered to. I wasn’t even close to dealing with my fear of death at that time. I've learned a lot since then.