FEAR - Poetry

 


Anita Moorjani believes that her cancer was caused by fear and I'm sure it played a part in mine as well.  However, I think that my tendency to hold on to hurt feelings and my apparent inability to forgive played an even bigger role than fear, until the point in my life when fear and unforgiveness were pretty evenly matched.  This was when I adopted Gloria Gaynor's song I WILL SURVIVE as my life-theme song.  Click here to enjoy it on youtube.  


I recently found a couple of poems I wrote about 11 years ago, when I was taking a creative writing class. This was soon after my first stage IV diagnosis resulting from a positive biopsy from a rather painful open-lung surgery.  Fear had always been a big part of my life and, at this time, it became a VERY big part of my life. 

I think it's ironic that fear can be a contributing factor to the onset of can-can, yet it is the most common emotion experienced by can-can patients as they anticipate test results, go to medical appointments, receive treatments, experience treatment side-effects, contemplate the ever-possible metastasis and, of course, death. Here are my poems...

Cycle of Terror

Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
Crouched in a corner, my arteries roar.
He opens the door. I recognize him.

My heart propels needles out to my skin.
He taunts me with “Cancer will win this war!”
Tremendous terror taunts and taunts again.

I stand naked and cold in front of him.
He axes my breast to even the score.
I open the door and let him come in.

He rocks me in bed, exhausting my vim.
He invades my sleep. A sob is my snore.
Primeval terror rocks and rocks again.

He steals my present moments, chastising
Me for not finding joy behind the door.
I slam-close the door and, still, he comes in.

I shriek, I shout, I pray and I shove him
Outside. Again, I am slamming the door.
Relentless terror knocks and knocks again.
I open the door and recognize him.


Here's the other one....


Fear – a shadowy visitor - knocks on my door

I hear him knocking
I refuse to open the door
He knocks again
And again
And again

I open the door and recognize him
I slam the door in his face
Hoping he will go away
Pretending not to know he’s there
He knocks again
And again
And again

I let him in
I stand naked and cold in front of him
He laughs and says “this could get a lot worse”
I send him on his way and slam the door behind him
He knocks again
And again
And again

He waits for me to close my eyes
Stays with me through sunless days
Lays awake with me at night
Steals away my present moments
Blinds me to a future of infinite possibilities
I let him in again and again

I hear another knocking at the door
My dark companion blocks my path
Doesn’t want to share me
Feeds on my energy
The voice behind the door says
“I am always with you”
I’ve heard this voice before
I allow the light of love to come in
My arms reach out
I inhale the promise of eternal love
It fills me with strength, hope and dreams

Hey Chemo! I'm Talking to YOU

Hey Chemo! I'm talking to you!  What are you? Cells? Molecules? Atoms? Blobs? Soldiers? Witches' Brew? Drugs? Nuclear weapons? Syrupy Liquid? Whatever you are - we need to talk.  I understand that many very smart brains have worked very hard to develop and test your formulation. I think those scientists and doctors are doing the very best they can to "fight the war" they feel they are fighting against this disease called cancer, along with the cooperation of those brave souls/cancer patients who participate in clinical trials.  It appears that cancer is a formidable enemy.  I don't even like to give that word the energy required to say it or type it.  

How about can-can?  Like the dance.  I'll call it can-can.

We humans can be a war-like culture, always involved in conflicts of some kind evidenced by the fact that we have multiple wars going on  at once -- a war on drugs, a war on terror, a war on poverty, a war on can-can -- you name it, we'll wage a war against it.  

That makes me think of a song. Here's a quick diversion. We never, ever do nothin' nice-n-easy.  We always do it nice-n-ROUGH.  Click to listen to Proud Mary on youtube.

As I was saying, I want to talk to you, chemo, about making a different arrangement - a different agreement - so that we are not enemies, so that you are my ally, supporter, helper, healer, and friend.  I want you to meet my can-can.  I want you to search out can-can cells and blobs in my body.  Please start by taking one of the can-can cells by the hand and saying, "Do you remember who you are?  I am here to help you remember who you really are."  If they can't remember the original reason for their existence (like being a healthy lung or liver cell), then simply escort them to the nearest exit.  If they do remember, help them with a make-over to restore them to their natural, perfectly Divine beauty and function.



Some medical people choose to view chemo as poison and have told me so very matter-of-factly while aiming the needle into my vein.  To quote, "You know this is poison going into your veins, don't you?"  As if my beautiful computer-designed stickers that say "Divine Healing Love" and "Love Potion No. 9" stuck to the IV apparatus are feeble attempts to deny the reality of it all.  In the eyes of can-can, chemo is poison.  In the test tube, it kills can-can cells.  It also kills a few other cells in the body and I'm sure the hope is that, like arsenic used to treat heart-worm in dogs, the chemo kills the can-can before it kills the patient.  It kinda makes me feel like I'm "living on the edge".

I cannot discount the efforts of all the people who have worked so hard to make chemo a reality.  Many people's lives have been saved or extended with these powerful drugs. Others' lives have ended - I especially honor those people.  

I am choosing to view chemo as Divine Healing Love, aka Love Potion No. 9, coined by my dear friend, Vicki. Click to listen to Love Potion No. 9 on youtube

I just LOVE that there's a song out there for EVERYthing!!  I use my imagination (imagery) to see the light of Divine Healing Love pouring down through the ceiling and infusing the liquid in the IV bag with a brilliant white or rainbow light.  Every drop of chemo is infused with that light.  I see it flow down the tubing and enter into one of my veins.  From there, it spreads first to every blood cell of my blood, then to every cell of my body - every organ, blood vessel, muscle, nerve, bone, brain, lungs w/bronchial tubes, glands and all my other parts.  Soon, my body is glowing with the energy of Divine Healing Love.  Once all my cells are filled up, the energy radiates out from my body to fill up first the Cancer Center and all who are present there, then out to the rest of the hospital, spreading the high frequency vibration of Divine Healing Love to everyone nearby - patients and workers both.